Da Vinci And His Code; Another Problem For The Catholic Church

Boy, it seems that the Catholic Church, (as if it needed more problems), is having a very tough time dealing with the latest big screen blockbuster, "The Da Vinci Code". The movie, unfortunately for the church, did very well, selling $232 million worth of tickets worldwide, including $77 million domestically last weekend, (its opening). Catholics and other Christians in many countries have denounced the movie. Father Thomas Euteneuer, president of Human Life International, a Catholic values advocacy group, is organizing a boycott of the film, which he says promotes Satanism. Even the Vatican is putting its two cents in.

Will watching the movie cause some Catholics to question their faith and ultimately abandon the Church and add to the problem of waning Catholic participation in the Eucharist and other sacraments? Will it add to the dramatic decline in vocations to the priesthood in the past three decades.? If so, what can be done about it? Well, the Atheologist has a few suggestions for the Church which may help undo some of the damage, they are:

(1) Bring back those old fashioned "penguin suits" for nuns. Folks oughta be able to take one look at your holy ladies and know they're not just Plain Janes whose mamas never taught 'em about makeup. And while you're at it, give them the go-ahead to start whacking uppity brats with rulers again.
(2) Start going medieval on those pedophile priests. Drag up all the old torture devices from the Spanish Inquisition, like the rack and the Iron Maiden, from the Vatican basement dust 'em off -- and wipe that scum off the face of the Earth.
(3) Teach priests Irish accents. Anyone who's seen old-time movies with stars like the late, great Barry Fitzgerald as padres knows that heartwarming "top of the morning to you" stuff is essential.
(4) Replace all altar boys with altar girls -- ages 18 and up. That'll discourage boy-crazy fruitcakes from becoming priests. Shorten the altar girls robes to show a little thigh and I betcha that'll double church attendance in no time flat.
(5) Priests need better costumes -- so replace robes with black leather jackets. Make the outfits cool enough and I guarantee you, plenty of Italian youths will dream of getting ordained instead of becoming "made men."
(6) Let parishioners vote on saints by a show of hands. Mind you, sometimes you'll get goofy ones like "Saint Di" and maybe even "Saint Oprah" when Ol' Tubby is pushing up daisies. But let ordinary folks get in on the excitement and Mass will soon be as popular as American Idol.
(7) Impose term limits for popes. Why not retire when you're still healthy enough to speak, for crying out loud? (8) Make bishops take a vow of silence -- but let the monks talk. I reckon those brothers who've been studying books all their lives have some mighty sensible things to say. Meanwhile, yappy bishops can afford to hush up for a spell -- especially when it comes to telling Americans how to vote for President.(8) Instead of limiting the priest conducting mass to using, and drinking wine during the Eucharist, a good lager or stout along with a large selection of aperitifs, digestifs and liqueurs should be made available to those priests with a preference.
(9) How about handing out door prizes, but only to those who stay for the whole service.
(10) Start a punch card system and anyone who attends 10 Sunday masses in a row, is excused from contributing at the next service when the collection plate comes around. They can just throw their used up punch card into the basket.
(11) As Jesus performed miracles during his short time here on earth and since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, priests could perform magic tricks, (simple sleight of hand should suffice), during mass. Many in the congregation who now regularly fall asleep during service, would have their eyes glued to the altar trying to figure out how Father Mackenzie did it. And it’s not out of the question that this would influence the little ones in the congregation into considering the priesthood as a viable option for their vocations.

If just a handful of these suggestions were put into practice the Atheologist is sure that the Catholic Church could steal faithful away from those, "less fun", religions and maybe snag an Atheist or two in the process.

Now the Atheologist is off to see what Bat Boy is up to.

The Atheologist

Can Christians Be Angry Too?

The recent article by Rabbi Gellman, made the point that Atheists are often very angry individuals. One of the Atheologist’s readers named 'Tommy', left a comment yesterday on the Atheologist’s post on the subject. This was the comment:

“You know what? I wrote you a long letter in answer to your idiot diatribe and then discovered I had to join a blog site. Of course this wiped out my letter and I would have had to write it all over again. I decided you just weren't worth the trouble.”

For some reason he seemed a little upset at the Atheologist, angry even.
The Atheologist did a little research and came to find out that this individual did in fact have his own blog, he was just not aware of that fact. His blog is entitled “Defending The King”. And in the first post on his blog, “Dang it. I'm getting fed up with it!”, it appears that he is a very angry Christian.
Now the Atheologist, being the fact finding, I report you decide, kind of investigator became a little suspicious after reading his post. Could this individual be one of the many bloggers who are not in fact what they make themselves out to be? (That’s going around a lot these days.) Could it be that this blogger is pretending to be a Christian and is actually an Atheist? Look at what made the Atheologist suspicious - Several statements in his post, like when he was referring to:
(1) his daughter- “ I'd sure like to ring her neck sometimes and smack some sense into her.”
(2) Atheists- “I guess I'm going to go now and find me an atheist to beat up! (Just kidding)”
(3) those with differing opinions- “If you don't like what you read here drop me a line anyway and then I'll meet you out behind the barn! (kidding again)”
The Atheologist was very surprised that a Christian could actually resort to violence, (or was he really just kidding?); I don’t believe that Jesus ever did, resort to violence that is, come to think of it I don't think that Jesus kidded around much either. Could this in actuality be an Atheist’s attempt to put Christians in a bad light? The Atheologist had to find out.
The Atheologist went undercover, this time disguised as a concerned Christian. The Atheologist shot out this email to Tommy:

“I don't think you picked a good title for a blog. You seem to be saying that our King is weak and needs help defending himself. As a Christian who has debated many atheists before I think that they will turn that around and use it against you.”

'Tommy' responded with:

“As you well know then, not only do atheist believe our King may be 'weak' they believe our King doesn't even exist. This blog is directed to a godless society on a secular level that even they can understand.
I agree with you in that our King does not need defending however, that is 'preaching to the choir'. I stand by my title. Should I be attacked for it I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
In a round about sort of way Peter defends God when he warns of false prophets and teachers. (Pt. 2f). Perhaps not the same thing exactly as I am saying but I think you get the point.
Well Mr. (name withheld to protect the Atheologist's pseudonym) , it was very good to hear from you and I do welcome your comments. Being human and relatively a young Christian yet, I need guidance and shoring up from time to time. Fortunately, I'm a fast learner!
Walk in Faith. –Tommy”

Well now, it does seem that this particular blogger really is what he professes to be. What a relief!
So, it seems that not just Atheists, but Christians can get angry sometimes too. Well even the Atheologist, (and maybe Rabbi Gellman), I guess, can learn something new everyday!

The Atheologist

A Note To Albert Gedraitis

A recent blog post on the, "refWrite...page2", blog, (May 12th entry), which notes its publisher as Albert Gedraitis, made a guess, or as he put it he had, “One thawt that nags me”, and that was that the “Atheologist” blog and the “Bacon Eating Atheist Jew” blog may be authored by the same person. He then goes on to also comment about the Jewish Atheist, (who wasn’t bothering anyone), and the problems that he has with him too, to this I say to Albert:

Hey good guessing Albert, but you are wrong. Did it ever occur to you that the 'Bacon Eating Atheist Jew' blog, the 'Atheologist' blog and your blog too, may be authored by the same person? I’m just kidding of course, but sometimes you have to think outside of the box as the Atheologist often does.

I have one thing that I must clarify about statements that you made regarding my post in which the link to the “Nerdy Christian Bitches” appeared, or the “picture of six unglamorous lovely young women” as you called them.
I was not trying to demean them at all. If you had bothered to read the entire post instead of just clicking the link, you would have seen that that picture was an integral part of the post. Oh and by the way they were actually Christians, Presbyterians to be exact, look here. And one more, 'by the way', I don't think that you should have insulted them by calling them “unglamorous”. Just because they do nothing for you, doesn’t mean that some nerdy Christian studs wouldn’t think that they were hot.

Albert, may I suggest that in the future you employ logical assumptions, as the Atheologist does, in your research instead of the illogical ones that you obviously use.

Example: The Bacon Eating Atheist Jew says that he eats bacon. The Atheologist claims, on his profile, to be a vegetarian. Using a logical assumption, one would say that they are both telling the truth or both lying if they were the same person. Hence they must be two different individuals.

Based on the meat eating data and using an illogical assumption, as you seem to be in a habit of doing, you would have to assume that neither one of them is a professional wrestling fan although at least one of them may not believe that it is a staged event. Get it now?

Albert, please note that the Atheologist's dog does not even remotely resemble a border collie.

The Atheologist

Don’t Judge A Blog By Its Cover

The Atheologist has come across a blogger who may not be what he professes to be. This particular blogger, who shall not be identified by the Atheologist, leads his readers to believe that he is an Atheist.
Now the Atheologist, whose job it is to find the truth in all things relating to Atheism and religion, believes that he sees this blogger for what he really is. This particular blogger is no Atheist, but actually a Fundamentalist Christian!

The Atheologist has witnessed thousands of online debates between Fundamentalist Christians vs. Atheists and Fundamentalist Christians vs. people of other faiths and has become an authority on the way Fundamentalist Christians operate. Here is the evidence gathered from his blog and online forums, that have led the Atheologist to his logical assumption, see if you don’t agree:

(1) Anyone who disagrees with him is wrong – A typical Fundamentalist trait.
(2) Resorts to name calling and belittling instead of discussion when he is frustrated – A Fundamentalist technique, (uses retarded, retarded moron, gullible, stupid, ignorant, jerk, French whore, Moonbat and Dhimmiwit often).
(3) Posts his and his dog’s picture on his blog – A real Atheist knows, that for an Atheist, this is a very dangerous thing to do. (But then again maybe it’s not really his picture or his dog’s picture and he’s not really a Canadian, he’s probably from Alabama).
(4) Strongly defends and supports Israel’s right to exist – Fundamentalist Christians need Israel to exist so that the Biblical End Times scenario can play out.
(5) Brags a lot – about his dog, his sense of humor, his intelligence, the number of hits his blog gets…this is a typical Fundamentalist Christian superiority complex trait.
(6) Has a great singing voice from all those years he spent in his church choir - as witnessed from audio clips on a recent blog post of his.
(7) Doesn’t have a job – He doesn’t need a job because he probably gets money from the Bush Administration’s Faith Based Initiative program funneled through his church. (Remember he’s from Alabama).
(8) Pretends to be a racist and bigot – True Christians are not. (A cunning use of deception here) .
(9) Does not like conspiracy theories - (except for those against Israel see # (4) above) – This is an offshoot of the hatred that Fundamentalist Christians have towards any theory, examples; Evolutionary theory, big bang theory, gravitational theory, alien clone theory…etc.
(10) Recently started screening the comments to his blog – Maybe others besides the Atheologist were getting wise to his ways.

There was one thing that at first bothered the Atheologist in the early stages of his investigation into this blogger. His spelling and grammar are impeccable. (It is a well known fact that Fundamentalist Christians have terrible grammar and spelling because they have a hard time concentrating in English class what with their minds constantly on Jesus.) The Atheologist looked into this anomaly and found out that some Fundamentalist Christians actually know how to use Spell Checker, (what a relief that was).

There is still one question that the Atheologist cannot answer at this time about this blogger:
Does he or does he not actually eat bacon?

As a side note:
The Atheologist has found several other bloggers who also do not actually appear to be what they profess to be. There is one in particular one that caught the Atheologist’s attention. She is a blogger who gives the impression of being a devout Catholic, but the Atheologist is working on the theory that she may actually be a Black, Lesbian, Atheist, Migrant Mud Wrestler. Stay tuned.

Update 2/01/2007: It seems that the blogger who is the subject of this post, is still practicing his deception. In the interest of public safety and truthfulness the Atheologist feels obligated to identify the architect of this little charade. This individual’s blog can be found here.

The Atheologist

Evangelist Inadvertently Turns Christians Into Homosexuals

Well known evangelist, Ray Comfort along with his partner Kirk Cameron have a popular, “Way Of The Master”, video out, in which Ray explains that God created the banana to fit the human hand and mouth, thus proving that creationism and God exists, evolution is a lie and Atheists are going to hell. The video has had an unintended side effect though. Here are some quotes from it:

Note that the banana, (the Atheists' nightmare);

Is shaped for human hand.
Has non-slip surface.
Has outward indicators of inward content;
Green-too early,
Yellow-just right,
Black-too late.
Has a tab for removal of wrapper...contents don't squirt in your face.
Is perforated on wrapper.
Has a bio-degradable wrapper.
Has a point at top for ease of entry.
Is pleasing to taste buds .
Is shaped for human mouth.
Is curved towards the face to make eating process easy.

Although quite persuasive, the video has inadvertently awoken some latent homosexual feelings in many, mainly young, Christian men. Many ex-gay Christian ministries, such as Love In Action and Exodus International have reported a large increase in the number of inquiries and requests for help by these men and their new found gayness.

The entire video can be seen here, with the banana segment starting at approximately three and a half minutes into it or here for the banana segment alone. (The Atheologist isn’t sure but it looks like Kirk is more turned on by Ray's banana than by Jesus.)

A suggestion to Kirk and Ray from the Atheologist: Next time use a pomegranate instead of a banana. Pomegranates, unlike bananas are not sexy fruits and they are often mentioned in the Bible.
Now the Atheologist needs to go take a cold shower.

The Atheologist

Why Are Atheists So Angry?

Rabbi Marc Gellman, (the Kosher half of the “God Squad”), recently wrote an article which was published in Newsweek. It was entitled “Trying to Understand Angry Atheists”. In the article, Gellman states that he does not understand why Atheists are often so angry.

Over the years the Atheologist has developed the ability to decipher and make logical assumptions about what individuals are really trying to say.

The Atheologist has perused the Gellman article several times and in reading between the lines, believes that he has figured out what the good rabbi was trying to say. I have come to the conclusion that Rabbi Gellman was trying to point out that the angry Atheists are the ones to blame when it comes to the problems in our world today. The Atheologist assumes that the reason that he did not actually come out and say it, is that he didn’t want to make the angry Atheists angrier and turn non-angry Atheists into the angry type. He’s so thoughtful and kind.
Here is the Atheologist’s translation of what he actually meant in the article. If it makes the Atheists angrier, so be it:

What he wrote: “I think I need to understand atheists better.”
What he meant: Atheists are so hard to figure out, because they are liars.
What he wrote: “I bear them no ill will.”
What he meant: I wish they would shrivel up and die.
What he wrote: “…I have no desire to debate or convert them.”
What he meant: In a debate, they would use facts and logic to twist what I say.
What he wrote: “…I will admit to occasionally viewing atheists with the kind of patient sympathy often shown to me by Christians…”
What he meant: I like Christians more than I like Atheists
What he wrote: “…what I simply do not understand is why they are often so angry.”
What he meant: What the f*** is wrong with them?
What he wrote: “So we disagree about God.”
What he meant: I’m right, they’re wrong.
What he wrote: “…but I try to be civil.”
What he meant: I often want to strangle them and tell them that worshipping the devil is wrong.
What he wrote: “I don't know many religious folk who wake up thinking of new ways to aggravate atheists…”
What he meant: Atheists aggravate me to no end and they like to kick puppies.
What he wrote: “I just don't get it.”
What he meant: I don’t know why they hate God and love pornography.
What he wrote: “This must sound condescending…”
What he meant: If there is one group that deserves condescension, it would be Atheists.
What he wrote: “…I am tempted to believe that behind atheist anger there are oftentimes uncomfortable personal histories.”
What he meant: Atheists are mentally ill, and sometimes eat their children.
What he wrote: “I would ask for forgiveness from the angry atheists who write to me if I thought it would help.”
What he meant: Angry Atheists cannot get past their anger and hatred, so I won’t bother.
What he wrote: “But our world is better and kinder and more hopeful because of the daily sacrifice and witness of millions of pious people over thousands of years.”
What he meant: The goodness of the pious people cancels out the anger and evil of the Atheists.
What he wrote: “…such a vision need not be seen as a red flag to those who believe nothing.”
What he meant: Atheists, who believe nothing, shouldn’t get pissed off at those who believe anything and they should stop burning down churches, temples and pet shops.
What he wrote: “I can humbly ask whether my atheist brothers and sisters really believe that their lives are better, richer and more hopeful…”
What he meant: We’re better and we've won because we believe in God and he loves us more than he loves Atheists.
What he wrote: “I can agree to make peace with atheists whom I believe ask too little of life here on planet earth if they will agree to make peace with me and with other religious folk who perhaps have asked too much.”
What he meant: I will make peace with Atheists if they would only stop – lying, worshipping the Devil, kicking puppies, eating their children, watching pornography and setting fires.

I hope that helped.

Here is a partial listing of some of the angry Atheists Rabbi Gellman was referring to and what they had to say about his article:
About.com, Stupid Evil Bastard, The Atheist Jew, The Raving Atheist, American Atheists, Betty Cracker, Mojoey, Grounded In Reality, Atheist Revolution, Hellbound Alleee, Unscrewing The Inscrutable

The Atheologist