The Atheologist

Theology is the study of theism; Atheology is the study of atheism. I am The Atheologist. Why don’t Atheists embrace religion when the vast majority of humans do? Why are Atheists regarded by most of society as thugs, rabble, vermin and generally naughty people. The Atheologist will attempt to seek out the true answers to these and many more questions by using logical assumptions, interviews with people of all faiths and really, really good research. The Atheologist wants to know.

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  • Friday, July 28, 2006

    The Mouse Story

    A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.
    "What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
    Retreating to the farmyard,the mouse proclaimed the warning: "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
    The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you but it is of no consequence to me. I will pray for you.
    The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
    The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
    The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose. I will remember you in my prayers tonight.”

    So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap-- alone.That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

    The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.
    The snake bit the farmer's wife.The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever.
    Everyone knows that you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
    But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
    The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral, that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

    The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

    So, what is the moral of this story?
    Some may say that since we are all involved in this journey called life, we must keep an eye out for each other and make an extra effort to help one another.
    OK that’s pretty good, but the Atheologist thinks that the real moral to this story is this: The next time you hear of someone who is facing a problem and you pray for them, don’t forget to pray for yourself first!

    The Atheologist

    Friday, July 21, 2006

    Bush And The NAACP

    For the first time since he took office, President Bush , yesterday, engaged in his first address to the NAACP at their 97th annual convention.
    He had turned down their invitations since becoming president, and looked like he could become the first sitting president since the 1920s to refuse to address the NAACP.
    It went as well as one would have expected and towards the end of the 33-minute speech, the president made the cut sign under his chin and several Secret Service personnel went through the crowd asking all reporters and news men and women to turn off all of their audio and video equipment. What happened next? Well luckily the Atheologist was able to aquire the transcript of what the president said, from an annonomous friend who happened to be there and who happens to know shorthand. Here it is:

    "I had to have y'all turn off your recording devices because I don't want to have the same thing happen to me like it did the other day when I was talking to that English guy and the "s" word slipped out of my mouth and was heard by billions of people around the world. I need to talk to all of you nice colored people as a fellow brother, hell, we're all brothers because we have the same father and you all know who I'm talking about.

    As I said before and by the thunderous applause I received, I see that all you nice Negroes agree with me that we want a united America that is one nation under God. But what about those people who don't agree with us, what about the Atheists? Well here's what I have to say about them:

    They don't know shit about Jesus.
    Atheists think that their shit don't stink, but it does a lot.
    They need to get their shit together.
    They don't know it, but they're in deep shit when judgement day comes around.

    Hey here's a riddle: How many dumb as shit Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Answer: Three. One to hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder. Do y'all get it? They're so shittin' stupid they don't know that you just have to turn the shittin' bulb to get it in. Get it? That's funny! Sister Condoleezza told me that one.

    Anyway back to those Atheists. They should find a shitty country that wants them and move there, shit, they should take all of the Democrats and anti-war people with them too.

    Did y'all know that there aren't any Atheists in foxholes? That's because they're all a bunch of cowards and when they know that the enemy is acomin' they shit their pants and run. I'm not makin' this shit up, these are facts.

    I am pretty sure that there aren't any Allahites or Heebs here today so when I speak about God I know that we are on the same page. I'm talking about Jesus, our savior.
    Now even though Jesus was white he loves all of you colored people equally, so God bless you all.

    Now I have to go have some kind of a meeting about those pesky Arabs and Heebs and all of the problems that they're having. It's about time that they got their shit together. Hey, does anyone need a massage?

    The Atheologist

    Tuesday, July 18, 2006

    Why Was The Atheologist Banned From This Blog?

    A blog named, “A Lady's Ruminations", has banned the Atheologist from leaving comments. But why? The blog's main author, 'Lady Jane', according to her profile, is a very Conservative Republican, loves 'having a proper Tea', (Twinings). She also seems to love the Drudge Report, Fox News, President Bush, Dick Cheney, Ann Coulter and Jesus and is a devout Christian,(Catholic?), who hates liberals, Atheists, gays and the ACLU. In the header portion of this blog is a quote from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice: "Jane was firm where she felt herself to be right.”. The Atheologist was curious to know what that meant and asked this:
    "Your blog's header has this quote: "Jane was firm where she felt herself to be right.”,
    I would like to know if Jane is referring to the feeling of her right breast which was firm when she felt it and if so, when will she let us know how her left breast’s firmness compares to her right one's? "
    Shortly thereafter, when the Atheologist tried to place another comment on this blog, he got: "Banned by webmaster. Your comments will not be added".
    What a bummer!

    The Atheologist

    *A note to ‘Lady Jane’:
    Your Blog takes an awfully long time to load.
    If I were you I would contact the Bacon Eating Atheist Jew. I remember that he had a similar problem with his blog and has rectified it.

    Tuesday, July 04, 2006

    The Persecution Of Star Jones

    The Atheologist has acquired what he was told are transcripts of edited out parts of Star Jones’ recent 'Larry King Live' appearance. In these transcripts Star tells Larry that the 'American Atheists' organization and other Atheist groups are responsible for her departure from ‘The View’. Here is a section from the transcripts:

    Star Jones Reynolds: It was the Godless, pro-slavery, Payless Shoes boycotting, Atheists that are responsible, and they had it planned for a long time.

    Larry King: Why would they? How could they, accomplish that?

    Star Jones Reynolds: They are very mad at me for pointing out that an Atheist should never be elected as president of this country. Those Atheists must have done some kind of devil worship, sacrifice ritual, which put a curse on me and caused me to go from a plump curvy beautiful woman of color, into a shriveled up skinny hag, which is the main reason that I got kicked off the show. I did not have gastric bypass surgery! I swear!
    Everyone knows that Atheists are one of the most powerful and sinister groups in this country, topped only by the Israeli lobby and Oprah. Barbara (Walters) is a very evil person, probably an Atheist. But everyone will see that Jesus has my back and something very bad will happen to Barbara and probably Rosie too in the near future.

    Could this be true? And why were these parts edited from the show? How can a "Live" show be edited? The Atheologist has more questions than answers it seems.
    But the Atheologist has not received a reply from 'American Atheists' regarding this matter, which practically confirms that they had a hand in Star Jones’ downfall.

    The Atheologist