The Atheologist

Theology is the study of theism; Atheology is the study of atheism. I am The Atheologist. Why don’t Atheists embrace religion when the vast majority of humans do? Why are Atheists regarded by most of society as thugs, rabble, vermin and generally naughty people. The Atheologist will attempt to seek out the true answers to these and many more questions by using logical assumptions, interviews with people of all faiths and really, really good research. The Atheologist wants to know.

My Photo
Location: United States
  • Definitions , Email the Atheologist
  • Monday, January 29, 2007

    Don't Judge A Website By Its Title

    The percentage of atheists and nonreligious people in the USA is estimated at somewhere between 14-15% of the population. Now most people would think that atheists would be happy with that number but it seems that they are not. The Atheologist has come across a website called the, "Joyful Heart Renewal Ministries", which pretends to be a Christian one. Looking at this part of the website, we see an handbook which probably explains, judging from the cover, what to do with a follower of God after you have bound their legs and raised his or her hindquarters in the air. It is available in - E-book format for $8.95, or in printed formatfor $11.50 (plus shipping). When one delves a little more into this internet scam, (as the Atheologist did), one finds that it is actually an atheist website in disguise. Its atheist director, Ralph F. Wilson, (if that is his real name and picture, the, ‘F’, probably stands for fibber), has hidden amongst the seemingly innocent stories and articles, one page which lets the cat out of the bag. It is entitled, “Ten Tips for Raising a Darling Heathen Child”. The Atheologist has reprinted it in its entirety:

    Ten Tips for Raising a Darling Heathen Child
    by Dr. Ralph F. Wilson

    Even if you're a klutz at do-it-yourself projects, you'll be able to accomplish this, though don't expect to produce heathen kids overnight. If you can raise your child as a heathen for the first twelve years or so, you'll probably have achieved your goal. Just follow these ten simple steps:

    1. Remove prayer from your home. The schools have taken the lead here, so your kids won't expect prayer at meals or at times of family crisis. Just make sure that you never pray in front of your children. If they see you bowing to a higher power it might make them feel somehow weak, inferior--as if they did not control their own destinies.

    2. Keep a Bible around. Now this may surprise you. While you must ban prayer, don't ban the Bible. Keep a copy on the shelf--a high shelf. This is how you can appear open-minded while preserving the Bible as a closed book. To keep your kids heathen, however, you must never read to them from the Bible. "Seen not heard," is the safest rule. Bible story books--especially ones with attractive pictures--are dangerous, too. There's a chance your child might pick one up by accident and ask you to read stories out of it. Don't allow one in the house.

    3. Plan family events for Sunday mornings. This way your children won't have any excuse for going to church with their friends. Don't let your children hear the phrase "The Lord's Day." Instead, say something like, "Sunday is my only day off," or "Sunday is the only day I get to sleep in," or "Sunday is the only day our family can do things together." Before you know it, your child will be permanently trained to think selfishly about Sunday mornings, and will be very unlikely to be found in church.

    4. Try to have your child attend a wedding held in a church. That way your child can never say, "I never went to church when I was a child," like so many children say these days. But be careful. There's a chance he might hear prayers and become confused. It might be better to arrange for him to come to the reception only.

    5. Spice up your family vocabulary with occasional references to God damning someone. That'll help the children think God is angry at people and only wants to condemn them. Some families have found it helpful to say "hell" when they're angry so the child will associate it with swearing instead of a real place. Using "Jesus!" and "Christ!" and "God!" as expletives is also quite effective in inoculating your child against the Christian faith.

    6. Block Christian broadcasting from your television by reprogramming your VCR's scanning menu or insisting that the cable company doesn't transmit those kinds of stations to your home. Be extra careful, though, to monitor your child's viewing so she doesn't accidentally watch a Billy Graham Crusade or something equally dangerous. A good substitute might be "The Simpsons," or some other character-building cartoons.

    7. Don't invite grandparents or other relatives to your home without first making sure they won't talk about Jesus or God. Tell them that all families have rules, and your home is designed to be "religious values neutral." It would also be a big mistake to let your children stay with their grandparents if they are known to engage in any of the above taboo activities. Perhaps the children could meet with Christian grandparents for a supervised visit in a park. But letting your children visit for a day or more is just too risky.

    8. Separate moral instruction from religion. It's all right to tell your children the difference between right and wrong, just so long as you don't tell them that God is against stealing or killing or lying. That way it will be easier for them to adopt an "everything is relative" belief system which won't inhibit their lifestyle as teenagers and adults.

    9. If your child asks to attend church, tell her proudly that when she is eighteen she can make her own decisions, but while she is in her impressionable years you don't want to expose her to any pressure for or against God. Tell her that you are a politically correct parent. That you believe in separation of church and state, and that you only want what's best for her.

    10. Train your child to say "Protestant" when asked his religion. Don't bother to explain it. "Agnostic" or "atheist" or "heathen" might be more accurate, but people could consider you a bad parent. And it's best to avoid using the term "Christian" because it includes the name of Christ in a non-swearing context, which might raise questions in your child's mind.

    If you do these things, you can almost be guaranteed a heathen child. You'll have the satisfaction of knowing that when she's in trouble, your daughter won't know how to pray. And she won't have adopted those narrow Christian values either. She won't even have a clue to what "sin" is. She will be able to do almost anything without feeling guilty, so she is likely to be healthy psychologically. And, even if she catches the mildest dose of Christian values, it is certain that she won't be able to transmit the Christian faith to her children. Enjoy. Utterly heathen grandchildren will be a cinch.
    You'll notice that nearly anybody can raise a heathen child, almost without trying. Some vigilance is required, however.
    If you just can't resist your child pestering you to let him go to church, absolutely refuse to go with him. Drop him off at the door if need be, but don't go in yourself. It is vital that he sees church as something for children only, and that intelligent adults like his parents don't need religion as a "crutch." Be aware, however, that even letting your child in a church could ruin the entire heathen training program. A child who learns about Jesus could become a joyful, happy, values-indoctrinated Christian. He might infect brothers or sisters, as well. Letting your child attend church, even by himself, is much frowned upon by enlightened parents these days.
    Now score yourself. Give yourself 10 points for each of the steps you have under pretty good control. If you've racked up at least 40 points, pat yourself on the back. You're well on your way to rearing a darling heathen child.

    This kind of intuitive thought and deep investigative skills is what sets apart the Atheologist from his other less significant peers. This finding reminds the Atheologist of the unearthing of another not so honest individual, here, last year.

    The Atheologist

    Saturday, January 20, 2007

    Truth In The Bible

    When the Atheologist was a young whippersnapper he was lead, by his parents, to believe in imaginary beings such as Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny and The Tooth Fairy to name a few. The Atheologist’s parents, as many parents did and still do, used the threat of Santa’s not coming or his providing only the gift of coal in the stocking, in order to promote better behavior. Advertisers and the entertainment industry often exploit the ease in which children can be lead to believe just about anything, no matter how outrageous the claim may be. As a child matures, this gullibility slowly fades away and usually disappears as one enters adulthood.
    One of the Atheologist’s favorite bible passages beautifully summarizes this point, it is 1 Corinthians 13:11:

    “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”

    Many people, atheists in particular, are often heard stating that the Bible has nothing important to say, has no truth and is inaccurate or has no relevance to modern life.
    The Atheologist would like to ask those people to read what apostle Paul said in 1 Corinthians 13:11, and point out to them that when they were youngsters, they had immature beliefs and a childish outlook on life. Might they have thought that Sesame Street was a real place, purple dinosaurs could sing or that Spaggetios was a gourmet treat? Most adult atheists have abandoned such beliefs and therefore must concede that the Bible sums up the process that they have gone through very accurately.
    They then should then give in and admit that they have actually read something in the Bible that they believe is true and therefore can no longer call themselves non-believers. That may be just what it would take to push some atheists into the religious mainstream. After all, as most Christians will tell you, God is real, but an imaginary being that has to threaten his believers with coal in their stocking, just doesn’t make any sense.

    Note: This post and my blog are dedicated to my Aunt, Rose Impallaria, who recently passed away. See the comment section of this post for more details.

    The Atheologist

    Thursday, January 04, 2007

    Pat Robertson Will Kick Your Ass!

    The internet is abuzz with reactions to Pat Robertson’s latest 2007 predictions and warnings.

    Well the Atheologist has a warning for all of those who dare challenge or mock the good reverend. Watch out, Pat Robertson will kick your ass! As many of you have heard, Pat Robertson holds the world record for leg squats when it was reported that he squatted almost infinity pounds back in May of 2006? Can you imagine what would happen to an atheist’s head if Pat ever got it sandwiched between his massive thighs of steel? Can anyone say "pop"? The Atheologist is directing this warning to these foolish bloggers and others who are either ignorant of Pat’s superhuman abilities or dim-witted enough to ignore them – Betty Cracker, Hellbound Alleee, BigDumbChimp, DeadBrain, SacredSandwich, James Randi you have been warned.

    Also-this has not been confirmed by the Atheologist at the time of this posting, but there are rumors that sometime in early summer, (with the help of his magic shake and Jesus), Pat will be swimming across the Atlantic Ocean, (because the English Channel is for wimps), stain a piece of stainless steel using only a black marker and will single-handedly attempt to break the bond between church and state!

    The Atheologist

    Tuesday, January 02, 2007

    Is Atheism A Disease?

    Everyone by now knows that alcoholism is a disease. We know that because it has been repeated thousands of times by authorities on the subject, (such as Alcoholics Anonymous). The possibility that atheism is a also a disease recently occurred to the Atheologist as he was perusing the internet and came across this quote by Plato:

    “Atheism is a disease, and a corruption of the soul; and no man ever did an unrighteous act, or uttered an impious word, unless he was a theoretical or practical atheist”

    Is it possible then that atheism is a disease and not the fault of the atheist just as the disease of alcoholism is not the fault of the alcoholic? To get a better perspective on the matter, the Atheologist has compiled a table which lists many of the similarities between alcoholics and atheists:

    Alcoholics... Atheists...
    miss work a lot. miss church a lot.
    will kill for adrink.will kill because they don’t believe in hell.
    don’t admit that they have a problem.don’t admit that they really believe in God.
    are not very happy when sober.are not very happy listening to sermons.
    think they can stop drinking anytime.think they can stop church and state from merging.
    have bad livers.have bad morals.
    use any excuse to have a drink.use any excuse to annoy theists.
    panic when the bottle runs dry.panic when they think they are losing their war on Christmas.
    sometimes get thrown out of bars.sometimes get thrown out of jury duty.
    often try to stop drinking, but can’t.often try to prove that God doesn’t exist, but can’t.
    often hide their drinking.often hide from Mormons.
    are not big fans of prohibition.are not big fans of Billy Graham.
    think laws against drinking and driving don’t apply to them.think the Ten Commandments don’t apply to them.
    believe that beer makes you smart because it made Budweiser.believe in evolution.
    are not often found in dry towns.are never found in foxholes.
    often slur their speech.often slur their speech when they get to, "one nation under God", while reciting the ‘Pledge of Allegiance’.
    often ask God to help them.often cross off, ‘God’, on their paper money.

    The Atheologist