The Atheologist

Happy Fat Tuesday

2011-03-08T10:50:00.016-05:00

It’s Fat Tuesday in The Crescent City, The Big Easy, The City That Care Forgot, The City That Bush Tried To Forget, Nawlins, NOLA. ..etc, happy Mardi Gras to all.

Although this is usually a happy and fun time, the Atheologist has been alarmed at several recent news stories involving deaths attributed to Voodoo candles, which are very popular in New Orleans.

In Brooklyn, NY a fire was accidentally set during a Voodoo-Sex ritual, which killed a woman. Another woman was killed in England when a Voodoo candle set her robe on fire and an elderly man also died from burns he received while lighting Voodoo candles, (also known as votive candles), in a church on Long Island, NY.

The Atheologist wishes all y’all a happy Mardi Gras, have a Hurricane for me, but remember to be careful around your Voodoo candles. And when lighting them in church watch your back because there are some frisky priests around who may mistake you for a cute little altar boy, and you may find yourself wondering, “who dat, knockin’ at my back door?”

The Atheologist

The Body of Christ

2011-01-05T13:12:00.022-05:00

More proof of God's existence and power came to light when it was discovered that communion hosts which were consumed at a Long Island NY church on Christmas day included hepatitis A.

For centuries the debate has raged on - is the holy host just a symbol of, or does it, (as the Church says), actually become the flesh of Jesus during the communion service.

Atheists and most Jews have said over and over that they want poof and now they have it.

Here's the proof: When the Communion hosts were transformed at Our Lady of Lourdes Roman Catholic Church into the flesh of God's only son, the hepatitis virus that he must have contracted early in his youth also came along for the ride. A quick online search of the bible and YouTube found nothing stating that Jesus never had the disease.

To summarize: The original host, (Jesus) transubstantiated into the Communion host, then the Communion host became the intermediate host which passed the virus to human congregant hosts. The Atheologist, also being an amateur biologist, finds this totally plausible.

The Atheologist is now waiting for a rebuttal from the atheists. The Atheologist can hear them now, saying that they don't believe in heaven, hell, hepatitis or anything that begins with an, "H" for that matter.

The diocese's website, meanwhile, states that "We pray that no one comes down with this virus or catches any of our priests being naughty with any of our adorable little altar boys"

PS: According to the latest Pew Foundation survey , 45% of Catholics, are not aware of what they're supposed to believe they're eating when the host is popped into their mouths. This should wake them up!

The Atheologist

Atheist Fools

2010-03-31T10:20:00.008-04:00

The Atheologist recently received the following in e-mail from a co-worker:

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLIDAY
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring," Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my Client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."
HOORAY FOR THAT JUDGE

What a cute little story that is, (although many atheists will scoff at being called, ‘fools’). The Atheologist has in fact discovered many YouTube videos which actually try to depict atheists as being wise rather than foolish beings. In this and this video, for example, atheists such as Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Ernest Hemmingway, Carl Sagan and Marie Curie among others are presented.

The Atheologist wonders - if these people were allegedly so smart why they had such a hard time picking out a religion. With so many hundreds of religions and gods to choose from, any dummy should be able to find one to his or her liking.

And you atheists out there, don’t dare point the Atheologist to the “Snopes” website which states that the above court case never happened because Snopes also states that Einstein never humiliated one of his college professors or that another college professor never dropped a piece of chalk or that a Marine never knocked out a college professor. In fact, if an atheist perused the ‘Snopes’ website, especially the, 'glurge', section, for any length of time, that atheist may come to believe that college professors don’t exist either.

Very Important: If you don't send the above e-mail to at least 56,000 friends in the next 95 minutes, a large pigeon with diarrhea will land on your head this afternoon and the fleas from 18 camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to the Atheologist's mother-in-law's friend’s second cousin’s husband's barber.

The Atheologist

Stairway To Heaven

2010-01-26T15:30:00.020-05:00

The other day the Atheologist was walking up one of the stairwells at his place of employment, when out of the corner of his eye he spotted something. There lying on the landing floor was a very familiar image, it was the likeness of Jesus fashioned from paint chips which had fallen off the stairwell wall. To the unimaginative or mentally stable person, they were simply paint chips arranged in a random design. But to the Atheologist it was a holy vision. Just look at his smile, it’s no wonder he’s known as ‘the light of the world’!

Now many atheists would question why God would do such a thing – tip to atheists; don’t question God, he doesn’t like it! As far as the Atheologist can tell, this is the first time our Lord has shown himself using paint chips as his media. There have been numerous occasions when Jesus, Mary and other religious celebrities have shown themselves in grilled cheese sandwiches, windows, underpasses, wood panels and even Cheetos, but never out of peeling paint.

Should anyone wish to view this miraculous icon, please contact the Atheologist who, (for a paltry $50.00 tour fee), will escort a limited number of pilgrims to this secret site. Those pilgrims of Mexican descent may bring a bottle of Tezon Blanco Tequila in lieu of the aforementioned charge. (That stuff is amazing and will aid the Atheologist in his quest for similar religious iconic experiences).
But please hurry before the maintenance crew sweeps the stairwell.

The Atheologist

Oh Tannenbaum, Your Branches Green Delight Us! Or Do They?

2009-12-13T15:30:00.032-05:00

This is the time of year when a lot of people think that it’s cute to erect an artificial or real tree in their living rooms and decorate it with lights, knick-knacks and bric-a-brac. But is this really such a good idea?
According to the Bible, it is not, and Bible seems pretty clear in its prohibition
– Jeremiah 10:

"Hear ye the word which the LORD speaketh unto you, O house of Israel : Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen.For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest,the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.They deck it with silver and with gold…”.

Now every true Christian knows that only pagans, atheists, devil worshipers and pretend Christians would even think of ignoring God’s wishes. Like the wearing clothing made from the wrong combination of fabrics or cooking a young goat in its mother’s milk.

The Atheologist recently corresponded with one such pretend Christian.The Atheologist recieved an e-mail from the Coffee Bean Corral which along with updates on their latest coffee bean selections, declared that unlike those cowardly individuals and businesses who choose to call a "Christmas" tree a "holiday" tree, the Coffee Bean Corral never would. They also had a link to the, ‘real story of Christmas’.
The Atheologist quickly shot out the following email informing them of their serious transgression.

Hello to everyone at the Coffee Bean Corral, I was at first delighted to see that you celebrate the holidays by telling the real story of Christmas. But then I read about how you refuse to call a “Christmas tree” a “holiday tree”. Any true Christian would know that the ritual of decorating a tree or God forbid, bringing one into the house, is a Pagan practice and forbidden by God.

The Atheologist then suggested that if in fact they were real Christians at the Coffee Bean Corral, they should pay more attention to what was written in the Bible, repent and maybe cutting down on their caffeine ingestion would help.The Atheologist quickly received this reply from one Terry A. Richards of the Coffee Bean Corral:

"Last evening I went to Jeremiah and read this passage. At the time this happened the people were taking the tree inside and worshipping the tree as their god. I only worship one GOD and he is the true GOD.
I have no need to repent at least not concerning a tree."

Oh really Terry “A.” Richards. Does the “A” happen to stand for atheist or antichrist? Which is it?

The Atheologist urges all of you good and true Christians who wish to remain good and true to never bring any sort of shrubbery into the house and never, ever call a "holiday" tree a "Christmas" tree. Jesus will thank you for it and possibly not send you to hell. (Where to leave the gifts will be Santa's problem.)

PS: Some people suspect that Jesus and Santa may be one in the same individual - the beards, last names starting with "C", both become very popular around Christmas time, they both love children…etc. The Atheologist believes that this is just a coincidence though, and would much rather be on Santa’s naughty list than be on Jesus’. The Atheologist can deal with a lump of coal in his stocking or lousy gifts from Santa as opposed to having Jesus send him to hell to burn and be tortured for ever and ever for all eternity, (because he loves me).

The Atheologist

A Beautiful Service

2009-05-17T20:39:00.009-04:00

This past weekend the Atheologist had the pleasure of attending a wedding of the son of a friend and neighbor. The highlight of the ceremony was not when the pastor pronounced the happy couple man and wife, or when he explained to the blissful pair that the only way to have a happy marriage is to make, not each other, nor your children, but Jesus #1 in your lives, no it was prior to that when a close family friend read a great verse from scriptures. It is from Ephesians 5:22-33:

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing…”

As the words were leaving the reader’s lips, the Atheologist noticed husbands in the pews elbowing their respective wives, most likely making sure that they were paying attention.
But the Atheologist noticed that not every husband in attendance was smirking or elbowing their respective Mrs.
Were these husbands not paying attention or could they have just been non believing atheists who somehow snuck into God’s house unnoticed? The Atheologist wondered if these and other atheists had any chance at having a long and happy marriage without the guidance that God provides through his holy rule book.

Then a strange thought popped into the Atheologist’s head - is it possible that some of them were now thinking to themselves that maybe this religion stuff had something going for it after all? Would this simple verse from scriptures suddenly open their eyes? God does work in mysterious ways and anything is possible.
So all you atheists out there, read the Bible. There’s a lot of stuff in it. All of you non-atheists, find an atheist to read the Bible to, they will really appreciate it.

Here are a few of the Atheologist’s favorite Bible parts concerning women: 1 Corinthians 14:34-35, 1 Tim. 2:12-14 and Deuteronomy 21:11-14.

The Atheologist

Ohio Christian School Tells Student To Skip Prom

2009-05-08T13:26:00.000-04:00

A student at a fundamentalist Baptist school in Findlay Ohio, that forbids dancing, rock music, hand-holding and kissing will be suspended if he takes his girlfriend to her public high school prom, principal Tim England said. Despite the warning, 17-year-old Tyler Frost, who has never been to a dance before, said he plans to attend tomorrow’s Findlay High School's prom.
Frost, a senior at Heritage Christian School in northwest Ohio, agreed to the school's rules when he signed a statement of cooperation at the beginning of the year said principal Tim England, and he continued:

“When Tyler made the agreement with the school and God, he knew all about the terrible temptations that the secular world would unload upon him. We are only looking out for him. Those secular heathen atheistic students, who attend that secular atheistic heathen school, are very adept at dancing, kissing, alcohol drinking and sex. Tyler’s lack of experience in those areas would cause him great embarrassment and distress. We all know how narrow-minded those who attend those types of schools can be and wish to shield him from the unnecessary humiliation. Besides, although this so called, ‘prom’, will be under adult supervision, the so called supervisors are of course most likely, heathen, evil atheistic nonbelievers who are not worthy to stand before the Lord, and are therefore, by definition highly intolerant of those of us with much higher morals. And mother's day is coming up, so, happy mothers, day to all of you mothers out there; even Tyler’s skanky girlfriend’s mother”.

This situation is obviously based on similar incidents taken from the movie 'Footloose', and the Atheologist hopes that everyone sticks to the script so that a happy Hollywood ending will bring it to a close.

The Atheologist

Oy, Please Don’t Call It, the ‘Swine’, Flu

2009-05-03T14:53:00.017-04:00

The outbreak of swine flu should be renamed "Mexican" influenza out of respect to Muslim and Jewish sensitivities over pork, said an Israeli health official Monday.
Deputy Health Minister Yakov Litzman said the reference to pigs is offensive to both religions and "we should call this Mexican flu and not swine flu," he told a news conference at a hospital in central Israel.

The Atheologist was deeply touched by Yakov’s concern for his Muslim brothers, after all how many Muslims are there in Mexico anyway? Besides, most Mexicans are followers of that declining religion that the Atheologist’s previous post touched upon. Those Catholic pork eaters seem to have overlooked that part of the Bible, Leviticus 11:1-3, which strictly forbids eating pork and even the watching of Porky Pig cartoons.

According to the Atheologist’s copy of, ‘Christian Rules and Regulations’, Christians are supposed to be Christlike. If Jesus did it, they do it. If He didn't they don't. That being the case, the Atheologist does seem to remember something about Jesus feasting on Chinese spare ribs and pork fried rice at the last supper, (or was it lamb). Alas, a quick search of the New Testament did not confirm any of this so the Atheologist may have come upon that one in one of his many Jesus dreams.

Here are some questions that the Atheologist has for Yakov -

Is this Canadian farmer actually a Mexican?

Where the hell is Madonna and her magic Kabbalah water when you need it?

Is the Hippo flu the cause of obesity in the USA?

Is the name, ‘Mad Cow Disease”, offensive to Hindus?

How about, ‘West Nile Virus’, is it offensive to Egyptians?

Does the term, ‘Lyme’, disease disrespect Margarita drinkers?

Why have the Atheists been so silent on this issue, is it their fault?

Is it safe to eat Jews? Some of them do look very appetizing.

The Atheologist

P.S. The saying, “when pigs fly” may now be obsolete now that, pigs flu”, sorry.

Doubts

2009-04-29T20:03:00.016-04:00

On the suggestion of a good friend, the Atheologist rented the movie “Doubt”, and while most NAMBLA members were probably disappointed with the lack of particulars in the relationship between the Priest and the young vivacious black boy, the Atheologist did enjoy the movie.

The Atheologist happened to attend a Catholic school which was very similar to the one depicted in the film, though being fleet of foot, had no problem outrunning a horny priest or two.

The movie though did remind the Atheologist of some of the tremendous problem facing the Catholic Church today: The dramatic decline in vocations to the priesthood, the large number of Catholic school closings due to the significant drop in the elementary school population, the clergy sexual abuse scandal, the new movie “Angels and Demons”, the old movie “The Da Vinci Code”, attacks by “The Family Guy”, the Swine Flu, cannibalism…etc.

The Atheologist has some suggestions for the Catholic Church which may help to reverse this frightening trend:

(1) How about bringing back those old fashioned "penguin suits" for nuns. Anyone should be able to take one look at your holy ladies and know they're not just, “plain Janes”, whose mothers never taught them about makeup. And while you're at it, give them the go-ahead to start whacking uppity brats with rulers again.
(2) Priests need better costumes too -- so replace robes with black leather jackets. Make the outfits cool enough and I have no, 'doubt', that plenty of Italian youths will dream of getting ordained instead of becoming "made men."
(3) Teach priests Irish accents. Anyone who's seen those old-time movies knows that heartwarming, "top of the morning to you", stuff is essential.
(4) Replace all altar boys with altar girls -- ages 18 and up. That'll discourage boy crazy fruitcakes from becoming priests. Shorten the altar girls’ robes to show a little thigh, add some 4 inch pumps, and I don't 'doubt' that'll double church attendance in no time flat.
(5) Impose term limits for popes. Why not retire before you start drooling uncontrollably and you're still healthy enough to speak, for crying out loud?
(6) Don’t limit the priest conducting mass to using, and drinking red wine during the Eucharist. A good lager or stout along with a large selection of aperitifs, digestifs and liqueurs should be made available to those priests with a preference. Suggestion: a nice shot of grappa or Patron with a Prosecco chaser.
(7) As Jesus performed miracles during his short time here on earth and since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, priests could perform magic tricks, (simple sleight of hand should suffice), during mass. Many in the congregation, who now regularly fall asleep during service, would no 'doubt' have their eyes glued to the altar trying to figure out how Father Mackenzie did it. And it’s not out of the question that this would influence the little ones in the congregation into considering the priesthood as a viable option for their lifelong profession.

If just a handful of these suggestions were put into practice the Atheologist has no, ‘doubt’, that the Catholic Church could steal a number of faithful away from those, "less fun", religions and maybe snag an Atheist or two in the process.

The Atheologist

Christians Rumble At Birthplace Of Christ

2007-12-28T17:10:00.000-05:00

Greek Orthodox and Apostolic Armenian priests were caught not acting very Christianly towards one another on Thursday. The priests attacked each other with brooms and stones inside the Bethlehem Church of the Nativity where Christians believe Jesus was born.

The fight appeared to have started over a disagreement on who Jesus loves more, the Greeks or the Armenians.

The Armenian priests claimed that because Armenia was the first country to adopt Christianity as the state religion, (the US is #2), Jesus had a warm place in his heart for the Armenians. The Greek priests countered with their argument that because the Greeks invented the hula hoop, Jesus of course loves them way more.

The arguing then escalated with screams of, “idiots’, “morons", “Trojan trickers”, “genocide propagandists”, Turk lovers", “fudge packers”, "Uozo drinking rats" …etc. The brooms, fists and stones then started flying like crazy. Up to 80 bearded holy men wearing dark robes became embroiled in the fight. Several people were injured before the Palestinian police broke it all up.
A good time was had by all!

But a few Jews watching, could not decide on whom to spit on.

The Atheologist

Muslim Attacks Christians On Subway for Poor Jew-Hating Skills

2007-12-13T14:32:00.001-05:00

Friday night, four Jewish subway riders who wished other people "Happy Hanukkah" were pelted with anti-Semitic remarks before being beaten, police and prosecutors said. A Muslim man, Hassan Askari -- a student from Bangladesh reportedly joined the fracas and began attacking the attackers. Onlookers reported that the Askari seemed upset at the passionless anti-Semitism being used by the group of Christian attackers.

As he pummeled the Christians Askari was reportedly heard shouting:

"How dare you hate on this Jew! That is solely the right of Allah's chosen people! Foul infidels, you are not worthy to feel contempt for this offspring of pigs and monkeys! You should be trying to push him into the sea, not hurt his feelings! I spit on you and jihad in your general direction!”

and he continued with:

"You insult one stupid little Jew holiday and call that Jew-hating? You couldn't hate a Jew on the Jew-hatingest day of your life if you had an electrified Jew-hating machine! I could hate more Jews in five minutes than you could in your entire lifetime. And speaking of five minutes, that's how long it's been since I finished riding your mother, who - by the way - confided in me at the height of passion that she's deeply disappointed by your bumbling and grotesquely inept Jew-hating."

The Atheologist has heard the saying: ‘the enemy of my enemy is my friend’, but there must be more that goes with it, something like, ‘the enemy of my enemy is my friend, unless he is too much of a pussy to be a really good enemy to my enemy’.

The Atheologist

Atheist Crucifixes Pulled From Church Gift Shops

2007-11-21T19:31:00.000-05:00

Saint Patrick's Cathedral and Trinity Church in New York City, pulled crucifixes from their gift shops today after it was alleged in a report by the National Labor Committee, that they were manufactured in Communist Chinese Atheistic Sweatshops.
The report alleged that the crucifixes come from a factory in Guangdong, China, where women, some as young as 15, who know nothing about Jesus, work more than 90 hours a week for about 26 cents an hour, (less than half of China's minimum wage). The crucifixes, which cost as little as $1.40 to produce, are sold in church gift shops for $17.95. (American Capitalists pay attention; a 1200% markup is very impressive indeed.)

Just how many of these heathen crucifixes have been sold to unsuspecting Catholics, Episcopalians and other Christians is anybody’s guess. Have these crucifixes been tested for lead? Do Christians risk getting brain damage every time they kiss these crucified Jesuses?

The Atheologist suggests a trade embargo be implemented against China, ASAP!! The embargo that the US has against Cuba since 1962 has successfully prevented the importation of Sweaty Cuban Communistic Crucifixes into our great nation. China is just another one of those Communistic Countries that Jesus has warned us about.

The Atheologist

OJ and JC in LV

2007-09-20T21:18:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, the Atheologist and a co-worker, (we’ll call him ‘Joe’), were watching CNN when coverage of OJ Simpson’s release from prison, (after the alleged Las Vegas hotel incident), suddenly eclipsed all other news items. As we stared at the screen together, ‘Joe’, suddenly started screaming at the television set. Most of Joe’s vocal outburst is not suitable for young readers and won’t be documented here. And when the Atheologist switched the channel to FOX ‘news’ and he saw the split screen coverage of OJ’s vehicle making its way through the streets of Las Vegas, he really lost it.

Now the Atheologist totally understood how ‘Joe’, was feeling, but he and others like him must understand that the American news media will never deprive the American people of news stories that really matter. ‘Joe’, was probably concerned that he would be denied news of the latest thing to go in or come out of Paris Hilton’s mouth. Did Britney get wasted and puke again? What about K-Fed? Did Michael Jackson really kill JonBenet Ramsey? Is JLO's ass getting bigger? And did Joey Buttafuoco molest the Olsen twins again?

No, ‘Joe’, needn’t worry when the latest OJ incident, (clip here), temporarily overshadows other equally or even more important news stories such as the ones mentioned above. Our great professional American journalists are experts at prioritizing news stories and always make space for the important ones.

What Joe may also not realize is what MSNBC, CNN, FOX and all the other major news outlets were most likely looking for as OJ made his exit from the slammer. What they and the Atheologist were hoping to see was the slightest hint of what has become a common occurrence with many celebrities when they have been caught in sticky situations. Did or didn’t OJ find Jesus during his short stint in jail? Has he accepted JC as his personal savior, the way that he accepted, and was saved by another ‘JC’, the late Johnnie Cochran, the last time that he found himself in a pickle?

Alas it was not to be; there was no crucifix around his neck, no Bible in his hand. Did he forget Jesse Jackson, Bill Clinton, Paris Hilton, Michael Vick and the many others who have invoked the name of God or Jesus in their times of need, and times of good fortune?

Ever since Mother Theresa lost Jesus and became an Atheist, it seems to be very easy for a public personality to locate him. Did he even look? Maybe he’s hoping that Johnny will be rising from the dead in time to save him once again.

As a side note, Johnny Cochran’s final words are rumored to be:

“Tumor in your head? Man, soon you'll be dead” or “If my heart don't beat, cover me with a sheet” or "If the body don't stir, you must inter" to which God replied: “If you help a double murderer,
heaven's a whole lot furtherer”.

The Atheologist

World Breastfeeding Week 2007

2007-08-03T21:23:00.000-04:00

As many of you know the week of Aug. 1st to the 7^th is world breastfeeding week. There are many arguments favoring breastfeeding, among them are: Mother's milk has just the right amount of fat, sugar, water, and protein that is needed for a baby's growth and development. Most babies find it easier to digest breast milk than they do formula. Breast milk has antibodies in it to help protect infants from bacteria and viruses and to help them fight off infection and disease. Human milk straight from the breast is always sterile. Breastfeeding saves times and money. You do not have to purchase, measure, and mix formula, and there are no bottles to warm in the middle of the night. Breastfeeding also helps a mother bond with her baby. Physical contact is important to newborns and can help them feel more secure, warm and comforted. Nursing uses up extra calories, making it easier to lose the pounds gained from pregnancy. It also helps the uterus to get back to its original size more quickly and lessens any bleeding a woman may have after giving birth. Breastfeeding also may lower the risk of breast and ovarian cancers…etc.

The Atheologist has always been an advocate of breastfeeding and now a brave Muslim leader has had the courage to come out and issue a fatwa on adult breastfeeding.

In his fatwa, Dr Atiya, the head of al-Azhar's Department of Hadith, said such teachings could equally apply to adults. He said:

“…if a woman fed a male colleague directly from her breast at least five times they would establish a family bond and thus be allowed to be alone together at work. Breast feeding an adult puts an end to the problem of the private meeting, and does not ban marriage, a woman at work can take off the veil or reveal her hair in front of someone whom she breastfed."

How cool is that!! I don’t know of many men who would have a problem with that, do you? (Of course the lesbian community is up in arms, but pay them no mind.)

It’s no wonder that Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world today, (not counting Key West, San Francisco and New York’s Fire Island of course).

Sign me up!

The Atheologist

Does Jesus Like Big Butts?

2007-05-07T18:41:00.000-04:00

A new diet which emphasis improving health as a pathway to serving god is catching on for growing number of black women.
SisterTalk is one such program in which religious themes, most of which, use the experiences and teachings of Jesus Christ and other bible figures to provide support in their, ‘get healthy and lose weight’, lessons. Sandra Moseby, along with her mother Frances, a participant in SisterTalk explains:

“We know that we all fall down, but we’re motivated by the lessons and by each other to get up again”

With obesity being the national crisis that it has become in America, the Atheologist figured that any attempt to reverse the trend would be welcomed, but The Atheologist has found one group that is opposed to this holy approach to health, (and surprisingly it was not the Atheists), it was black men. It seems that black men love for their women to have some junk in their trunks and there seems to be a growing opposition to programs such as SisterTalk. ‘The Big Sista Lovas Association’, is one such organization. It’s spokesman and head of operations, ‘Jaycee’, explains:

“It’s just ridiculous that’s all. If our females start baking their chicken instead of frying or forget how to make sweet potato pie or stop dropping a fatty ham hock into our collard greens that would upset me and Jesus too! Allow me to explain. Since it has been definitively proved that Jesus was a brother, he would most undiscrutably want our sisters to cook traditional soul food. You see, Jesus never got married or even had a girl friend because back in the Bible days there was no soul food or even any KFCs around. People be eatin figs and dates and nuts and shit and the sisters couldn’t be putting on any weight like that. Jesus couldn’t find a woman with any meat on her bones so he remained bachelorized for his whole life. F*#k SisterTalk, if our sisters sit around and talk, then they can’t eat and if they don’t eat then they will start to shrivel and their butts will disproportionably start to shrink away. We have enough of those skinny black women around like Halle Berry and Tyra. We gots to put a stop to this nonsense!”

The Atheologist has found that, (According to the American Obesity Association), obesity rates are the highest among blacks and Latinos. Research compiled in a 2006 Harris Interactive survey, found that 80 percent of adult black women and 67 percent of adult black men are overweight and studies suggest these numbers are rising. Those are alarming numbers; hopefully Jesus will change his attitude real soon.

The Atheologist

Possible Atheist Killed At NJ Turnpike Rest Stop

2007-03-15T22:00:00.000-04:00

A 75 year old man was killed today at a New Jersey Turnpike rest stop for refusing to buy a religious CD.

Why did the man refuse to purchase the CD? Was it because he was an Atheist, or was he simply a little short on cash? The Agitated Atheist has his take on it, here, and a movie recommendation too.

The Other Atheists' Nightmare - The Pickle?

2007-03-14T20:51:00.000-04:00

Most of us remember the original "Atheists' Nightmare", in the video that introduced us to the team of Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, and astounded us all.
Well, one of the Atheologist’s west coast sources, (while scrounging through the dumpster behind the Living Waters Publications creative design headquarters), has come across and provided to the Atheologist what looks like a transcript to a new, “Way of the Master” video. The heading on the transcript is, “The Pickle, The Atheists’ Nightmare”.

Here’s an excerpt:

Ray: Kirk, take this and hand me that jar of pickles. (Ray hands Kirk the opened can of sardines, accidentally spilling some oil.)
Kirk: Oh, gross! That stinks!
Ray: Sorry Kirk, unlike the sardine can, which was obviously designed by man who sometimes manufactures it with a pop tab, sometimes with an unwieldy key that has to be fitted onto the protrusion just right and sometimes with no means to open it at all and having to rely on a can opener which is usually no where to be found, the pickle jar has a large top which its creator, almighty God has designed to perfectly fit the adult human hand. The human hand needs to only provide a moderate amount of torque and bingo it is opened! (Opens pickle jar). Please note that we are talking about the half-sour pickle here, not the kosher dill version that has been tampered with by our hell bound Jewish friends. As one removes a pickle from the jar, (removes a pickle from jar), notice that even though it is still wet it does not slip out of my hand, that is due in part to the little bumps put there by its creator, almighty God. Now along with the bumps, the rest of the outer casing of the pickle is entirely edible with the exception of the stem, which the Lord in his infinite wisdom has composed of 100% biodegradable matter. (Placing pickle up to Kirk’s lips.) Take a taste Kirk.
Kirk: I’d love to. (Taking a bite of the pickle, some pickle juice dribbles down to his chin.) It's so crispy and firm.
Ray: Yes it is Kirk. Notice that almighty God has designed the pickle, to fit perfectly into the human facial orifice, or mouth, as it is commonly known. We all just witnessed Kirk so effortlessly confirm that, although he does needs to work on his gulping technique. (Kirk and Ray giggle and chuckle together.)………

As in the video with the first, "Atheists’ Nightmare", (despite the fact that this is only a written version), the Atheologist can’t help but feel the chemistry and camaraderie between Kirk and Ray. The Atheologist hopes that if this, “Pickle” video, ever makes it into production it will not cause the same side effects that the, “Banana” video did.

The Atheologist

Here's a pickle video that was probably not produced by Living Waters Publications, (but you never know).

The Agitated Atheist: Why I Am Agitated

2007-03-08T23:05:00.000-05:00

The Atheologist will at times have guest posters who will share their views on subjects related to atheism. Today the Agitated Atheist, who has a brand new blog, is the Atheologist’s guest poster:

Why am I agitated?

Here’s an example of how an average even tempered atheist can become agitated and angry, (it may look like I’m picking on the Christians but at the moment, in the good old USA, they are the group most likely to agitate):-
How about when some worn out former homecoming queen piece of crap trailer trash with two teeth, from the Inbred High School choir spews some hateful, vile shit like, “u r gonna go 2 hell 2 burn 4 ever b cuz Jeesus luvs u", and this waste of a human life actually also has the nerve to act surprised when you get pissed at her for screwing with you. Things like this can agitate and make atheists angry.

Atheists usually have a good reason when they become angry. A large percentage of Theists don’t even know what an atheist is. For those morons who are interested – an atheist, for the most part, is someone who sees no evidence of a supernatural being or god and therefore sees no reason to believe in one. No, we don’t, “hate God”, eat our children or worship the devil as many of you dimwits have been told. And we are usually smarter and morally superior than you religious kooks. That’s right – look it up in your Bibles if you can read.

The truly angry people are the ones who run around vomiting mindless hateful crap like Theists do to atheists every day. The depraved crap that Theists spit out every day would put Hitler to shame - "Come believe in and worship this loving being who has ordered his people to commit rape, mutilation, genocide, torture, child abuse, kidnapping, slavery, and murder - or our wonderful loving god will send you, the child he so dearly loves, to eternal torment." Again, read your Bibles!

The Agitated Atheist? You bet your ass I'm agitated! But I only become that way when I get openly attacked day after day and year after year by "loving people" who follow this "loving god" and who spew out crap at me which I could never hope to compete with when it comes to anger, hate, intolerance, and bad will towards mankind. The only reason that we atheists are frequently angry is because Theists are so frequently attacking us while running their mouths in high gear and their brains in low gear. ! I'm agitated and angry because you idiots are so un-believably infuriating, you walking, talking piles of horse crap!

The Agitated Atheist

Year Of The Pig

2007-02-18T15:13:00.000-05:00

Today is the start of the 15-day Chinese New Year celebration, the year of the pig. The Atheologist is still wondering why China’s state-owned television network, CCTV, has banned images and references to the pig in all advertising. If the officials at CCTV had asked the Muslim community for their input they may not have instituted the ban. While the Koran clearly allows a husband to beat his wife and unmistakably forbids any eating of pork products, after extensive searches, the Atheologist can find nothing in the Koran or even The 9-11 Commission Report, which prohibits images of, or using the word, pig, by Muslims.

That’s Allah folks.

As a side note, pigs in China do not eat Muslims and regard them as unclean animals.

The Atheologist

Don't Judge A Website By Its Title

2007-01-29T16:42:00.000-05:00

The percentage of atheists and nonreligious people in the USA is estimated at somewhere between 14-15% of the population. Now most people would think that atheists would be happy with that number but it seems that they are not. The Atheologist has come across a website called the, "Joyful Heart Renewal Ministries", which pretends to be a Christian one. Looking at this part of the website, we see an handbook which probably explains, judging from the cover, what to do with a follower of God after you have bound their legs and raised his or her hindquarters in the air. It is available in - E-book format for $8.95, or in printed formatfor $11.50 (plus shipping). When one delves a little more into this internet scam, (as the Atheologist did), one finds that it is actually an atheist website in disguise. Its atheist director, Ralph F. Wilson, (if that is his real name and picture, the, ‘F’, probably stands for fibber), has hidden amongst the seemingly innocent stories and articles, one page which lets the cat out of the bag. It is entitled, “Ten Tips for Raising a Darling Heathen Child”. The Atheologist has reprinted it in its entirety:

Ten Tips for Raising a Darling Heathen Child
by Dr. Ralph F. Wilson

Even if you're a klutz at do-it-yourself projects, you'll be able to accomplish this, though don't expect to produce heathen kids overnight. If you can raise your child as a heathen for the first twelve years or so, you'll probably have achieved your goal. Just follow these ten simple steps:

1. Remove prayer from your home. The schools have taken the lead here, so your kids won't expect prayer at meals or at times of family crisis. Just make sure that you never pray in front of your children. If they see you bowing to a higher power it might make them feel somehow weak, inferior--as if they did not control their own destinies.

2. Keep a Bible around. Now this may surprise you. While you must ban prayer, don't ban the Bible. Keep a copy on the shelf--a high shelf. This is how you can appear open-minded while preserving the Bible as a closed book. To keep your kids heathen, however, you must never read to them from the Bible. "Seen not heard," is the safest rule. Bible story books--especially ones with attractive pictures--are dangerous, too. There's a chance your child might pick one up by accident and ask you to read stories out of it. Don't allow one in the house.

3. Plan family events for Sunday mornings. This way your children won't have any excuse for going to church with their friends. Don't let your children hear the phrase "The Lord's Day." Instead, say something like, "Sunday is my only day off," or "Sunday is the only day I get to sleep in," or "Sunday is the only day our family can do things together." Before you know it, your child will be permanently trained to think selfishly about Sunday mornings, and will be very unlikely to be found in church.

4. Try to have your child attend a wedding held in a church. That way your child can never say, "I never went to church when I was a child," like so many children say these days. But be careful. There's a chance he might hear prayers and become confused. It might be better to arrange for him to come to the reception only.

5. Spice up your family vocabulary with occasional references to God damning someone. That'll help the children think God is angry at people and only wants to condemn them. Some families have found it helpful to say "hell" when they're angry so the child will associate it with swearing instead of a real place. Using "Jesus!" and "Christ!" and "God!" as expletives is also quite effective in inoculating your child against the Christian faith.

6. Block Christian broadcasting from your television by reprogramming your VCR's scanning menu or insisting that the cable company doesn't transmit those kinds of stations to your home. Be extra careful, though, to monitor your child's viewing so she doesn't accidentally watch a Billy Graham Crusade or something equally dangerous. A good substitute might be "The Simpsons," or some other character-building cartoons.

7. Don't invite grandparents or other relatives to your home without first making sure they won't talk about Jesus or God. Tell them that all families have rules, and your home is designed to be "religious values neutral." It would also be a big mistake to let your children stay with their grandparents if they are known to engage in any of the above taboo activities. Perhaps the children could meet with Christian grandparents for a supervised visit in a park. But letting your children visit for a day or more is just too risky.

8. Separate moral instruction from religion. It's all right to tell your children the difference between right and wrong, just so long as you don't tell them that God is against stealing or killing or lying. That way it will be easier for them to adopt an "everything is relative" belief system which won't inhibit their lifestyle as teenagers and adults.

9. If your child asks to attend church, tell her proudly that when she is eighteen she can make her own decisions, but while she is in her impressionable years you don't want to expose her to any pressure for or against God. Tell her that you are a politically correct parent. That you believe in separation of church and state, and that you only want what's best for her.

10. Train your child to say "Protestant" when asked his religion. Don't bother to explain it. "Agnostic" or "atheist" or "heathen" might be more accurate, but people could consider you a bad parent. And it's best to avoid using the term "Christian" because it includes the name of Christ in a non-swearing context, which might raise questions in your child's mind.

If you do these things, you can almost be guaranteed a heathen child. You'll have the satisfaction of knowing that when she's in trouble, your daughter won't know how to pray. And she won't have adopted those narrow Christian values either. She won't even have a clue to what "sin" is. She will be able to do almost anything without feeling guilty, so she is likely to be healthy psychologically. And, even if she catches the mildest dose of Christian values, it is certain that she won't be able to transmit the Christian faith to her children. Enjoy. Utterly heathen grandchildren will be a cinch.
You'll notice that nearly anybody can raise a heathen child, almost without trying. Some vigilance is required, however.
If you just can't resist your child pestering you to let him go to church, absolutely refuse to go with him. Drop him off at the door if need be, but don't go in yourself. It is vital that he sees church as something for children only, and that intelligent adults like his parents don't need religion as a "crutch." Be aware, however, that even letting your child in a church could ruin the entire heathen training program. A child who learns about Jesus could become a joyful, happy, values-indoctrinated Christian. He might infect brothers or sisters, as well. Letting your child attend church, even by himself, is much frowned upon by enlightened parents these days.
Now score yourself. Give yourself 10 points for each of the steps you have under pretty good control. If you've racked up at least 40 points, pat yourself on the back. You're well on your way to rearing a darling heathen child.

This kind of intuitive thought and deep investigative skills is what sets apart the Atheologist from his other less significant peers. This finding reminds the Atheologist of the unearthing of another not so honest individual, here, last year.

The Atheologist

Truth In The Bible

2007-01-20T22:06:00.000-05:00

When the Atheologist was a young whippersnapper he was lead, by his parents, to believe in imaginary beings such as Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny and The Tooth Fairy to name a few. The Atheologist’s parents, as many parents did and still do, used the threat of Santa’s not coming or his providing only the gift of coal in the stocking, in order to promote better behavior. Advertisers and the entertainment industry often exploit the ease in which children can be lead to believe just about anything, no matter how outrageous the claim may be. As a child matures, this gullibility slowly fades away and usually disappears as one enters adulthood.
One of the Atheologist’s favorite bible passages beautifully summarizes this point, it is 1 Corinthians 13:11:

“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”

Many people, atheists in particular, are often heard stating that the Bible has nothing important to say, has no truth and is inaccurate or has no relevance to modern life.
The Atheologist would like to ask those people to read what apostle Paul said in 1 Corinthians 13:11, and point out to them that when they were youngsters, they had immature beliefs and a childish outlook on life. Might they have thought that Sesame Street was a real place, purple dinosaurs could sing or that Spaggetios was a gourmet treat? Most adult atheists have abandoned such beliefs and therefore must concede that the Bible sums up the process that they have gone through very accurately.
They then should then give in and admit that they have actually read something in the Bible that they believe is true and therefore can no longer call themselves non-believers. That may be just what it would take to push some atheists into the religious mainstream. After all, as most Christians will tell you, God is real, but an imaginary being that has to threaten his believers with coal in their stocking, just doesn’t make any sense.

Note: This post and my blog are dedicated to my Aunt, Rose Impallaria, who recently passed away. See the comment section of this post for more details.

The Atheologist

Pat Robertson Will Kick Your Ass!

2007-01-04T08:30:00.000-05:00

The internet is abuzz with reactions to Pat Robertson’s latest 2007 predictions and warnings.

Well the Atheologist has a warning for all of those who dare challenge or mock the good reverend. Watch out, Pat Robertson will kick your ass! As many of you have heard, Pat Robertson holds the world record for leg squats when it was reported that he squatted almost infinity pounds back in May of 2006? Can you imagine what would happen to an atheist’s head if Pat ever got it sandwiched between his massive thighs of steel? Can anyone say "pop"? The Atheologist is directing this warning to these foolish bloggers and others who are either ignorant of Pat’s superhuman abilities or dim-witted enough to ignore them – Betty Cracker, Hellbound Alleee, BigDumbChimp, DeadBrain, SacredSandwich, James Randi you have been warned.

Also-this has not been confirmed by the Atheologist at the time of this posting, but there are rumors that sometime in early summer, (with the help of his magic shake and Jesus), Pat will be swimming across the Atlantic Ocean, (because the English Channel is for wimps), stain a piece of stainless steel using only a black marker and will single-handedly attempt to break the bond between church and state!

The Atheologist

Is Atheism A Disease?

2007-01-02T13:27:00.000-05:00

Everyone by now knows that alcoholism is a disease. We know that because it has been repeated thousands of times by authorities on the subject, (such as Alcoholics Anonymous). The possibility that atheism is a also a disease recently occurred to the Atheologist as he was perusing the internet and came across this quote by Plato:

“Atheism is a disease, and a corruption of the soul; and no man ever did an unrighteous act, or uttered an impious word, unless he was a theoretical or practical atheist”

Is it possible then that atheism is a disease and not the fault of the atheist just as the disease of alcoholism is not the fault of the alcoholic? To get a better perspective on the matter, the Atheologist has compiled a table which lists many of the similarities between alcoholics and atheists:

Alcoholics...	Atheists...
miss work a lot.	miss church a lot.
will kill for adrink.	will kill because they don’t believe in hell.
don’t admit that they have a problem.	don’t admit that they really believe in God.
are not very happy when sober.	are not very happy listening to sermons.
think they can stop drinking anytime.	think they can stop church and state from merging.
have bad livers.	have bad morals.
use any excuse to have a drink.	use any excuse to annoy theists.
panic when the bottle runs dry.	panic when they think they are losing their war on Christmas.
sometimes get thrown out of bars.	sometimes get thrown out of jury duty.
often try to stop drinking, but can’t.	often try to prove that God doesn’t exist, but can’t.
often hide their drinking.	often hide from Mormons.
are not big fans of prohibition.	are not big fans of Billy Graham.
think laws against drinking and driving don’t apply to them.	think the Ten Commandments don’t apply to them.
believe that beer makes you smart because it made Budweiser.	believe in evolution.
are not often found in dry towns.	are never found in foxholes.
often slur their speech.	often slur their speech when they get to, "one nation under God", while reciting the ‘Pledge of Allegiance’.
often ask God to help them.	often cross off, ‘God’, on their paper money.

The Atheologist

Is Eric Rudolph a Bad Christian?

2006-12-11T12:53:00.000-05:00

Eric Rudolph, the AKA, ‘The Olympic Bomber’, has complained today, that his new digs, the maximum security federal prison in Colorado known as ‘Supermax’ is not suiting him at all. He has written in one letter to the Gazette of Colorado Springs that his new residence, where he is serving a life term is:

“a closed-off world designed to isolate inmates from social and environmental stimuli, with the ultimate purpose of causing mental illness and chronic physical conditions such as diabetes, heart disease and arthritis,"

Note to Eric: The Atheologist appreciates that you were only doing God's work by trying to help mankind and save innocent lives in doing what you did, but you should man up and remember what most Christians do when the going gets tough. Remember the part about God’s will. When everything looks bleak and nothing makes sense just keep repeating, ‘it’s all God’s will, it’s all God’s will…’ that’s what all good Christians do. What’s a little bit of heart disease or arthritis when you look at the big picture and who are we to question God’s plan? And besides, the sooner you die, the sooner the good Lord will have you sitting by his side in paradise. Did you ever think about it that way Eric?

On a side note, maybe Mel Gibson shouldn’t have apologized so quickly for his voicing his opinions back in July. This war on Christmas is going way too far. Will those hell-bound Jesus killers ever learn?

Even the White House is continuing their war on Christmas from last year.

The Atheologist

Talking Turkey

2006-11-29T19:03:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, Pope Benedict XVI, on his visit to Turkey, urged leaders of all religions to "utterly refuse" to support any form of violence in the name of faith.

Now that may seem like a good idea on the surface, but when the Atheologist thought about it for a while, it lost its appeal. As the Atheologist pointed out in a previous post, if it weren’t for the faithful and their religious enthusiasm, the daily headlines would become bland. The Atheologist believes that atheists have cornered the market when it comes to being boring and the religious should not try to follow their example.

Luckily the Atheologist was not the only one who thought that the Pope’s idea wasn’t such a great one. Look here, here and here.

The Atheologist

Will Atheists Ever Learn?

2006-11-20T11:31:00.000-05:00

The Atheologist has come across an example of one of the many reasons that atheists just can’t get along with others.

In this You Tube video, from the ‘30 Days’ television show, atheists and Christians are having a lovely discussion in a restaurant. After hearing an apology from a Christian about the way Christians sometimes hurt atheists’ feelings, the atheist proceeds to needle the Christian by asking him what he thinks about having the words, “In God We Trust”, printed on American money.

The Christian’s responses, (one of which was to move), were very understandable considering that Christians have given up killing and torturing atheists and other non-believers for hundreds of years and now kindly allow atheists and other non-Christians to live in their Christian country. Why aren’t atheists satisfied with that? Should they, as the Christian in this video suggests – move to another country if they aren’t happy here? And would atheists be able to find a country where they would be happy and be able to live without always finding ways to irritate and bully the religious like they do here in the good old USA?

Just Kidding

2006-11-10T11:32:00.000-05:00

Well, it took a while but the Republicans have finally had enough fun and are now handing over the country to the Democrats.

It seems like a good move on the Republicans’ part, what with the mess that this country is in it may take a miracle to set it right.

A Republican friend of the Atheologist’s, (who has just turned Democrat), sent an e-mail explaining why many people like himself have switched parties at this point in time. It seems that the Republicans were just having some fun with their supporters and wanted to see how long they could keep their little joke going.

Here is his email:

Things you have to believe to be a Republican
today:

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's Daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a bad guy when Dubya needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

Keep condoms out of every drug store within walking distance of a schools. Then adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing Health care to all Americans is socialism. (HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.)

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extra-marital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, But what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

The Atheologist

Happy Halloween!

2006-10-31T09:47:00.000-05:00

Happy Halloween to all. Today is the celebration of the dead; it's the night when ghosts and spirits have the power to roam the world. So everyone should be merry, but not these spoil sports who as Seattle's King 5 News reports, had Halloween cancelled:

"The school district says it got calls from witches - yes, actual witches - complaining about the continuation of ugly stereotypes. "That witches are portrayed with pointy noses and flying on broomsticks," said Karen Hansen, Puyallup School District. The district says it is just trying to be sensitive to individual religious beliefs... Puyallup school officials say the decision to cancel Halloween celebrations is a permanent one and students who wear costumes to school will be asked to take them off or leave. School officials add Wiccans weren't the only ones who complained about Halloween. Some Christian groups complained about the glamorization of the occult."

Well, I guess that even witches have feelings. The Atheologist has also heard that many parents and some local dentists were criticizing the decision.

The Atheologist

In His Own Image

2006-10-19T20:23:00.000-04:00

As the faithful all know, God created mankind in his image. Well, the Atheologist has come across a bible verse that shows that God is a lot more humanlike than most people realize. In Isaiah 16:11, we see that God is talking about releasing his internal digestive pressure externally, (in other words farting), as most of his human creatures have been known to occasionally do:

"Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kirharesh."

I can just hear the atheists trying to explain this away by saying things like there is no proof that God produces real farts, or since they have not heard or smelled them themselves then they have no reason to believe that he does. The atheists may also use another ploy and say that since the Bible was translated and retranslated so many times, it is possible that what really happens is unknown and God may not actually fart, but simply burps.

Well the Atheologist is way ahead of those atheists and has begun searching the Bible for more examples of God and/or Jesus’ more humanlike qualities. The Atheologist will be on the lookout for other homo-sapien like traits in our Lord and his son such as; forgetting birthdays, having a bad hair or clothing day, waking up late for work, having road rage, losing their house keys, not being totally honest on their tax forms, losing patience with their children or taking family members for granted, eating too much during the holidays, littering…etc.

Here’s a bonus Bible verse on flatulence and the good Lord's forgiveness;
Economiclassians 37:12:

"And though a foul wind bloweth, a stench so unholy it singes the hair and leaves no clean air, the Lord, ever so merciful, grants His Grace unto that's wind's bearer. And Lo, even as such wind sickens the heart and mind and lost lunch pools in corners, the bearer can be held blameless for such is the Will of the Lord."

The Atheologist

A Reader Named Jeremy

2006-10-11T13:14:00.000-04:00

A reader, named Jeremy Pierce, recently commented on the Atheologist’s Kathleen Harris post. Mr. Pierce had this to say about the Atheologist’s linking to the Landover Baptist Church", website:

“You do realize that the Landover Baptist Church website is a parody, do you not?It's a little strange to accuse Christians of doing something evil to Jews that some fiction-writer invented and wrote into a satire of some… Google "Landover Baptist Church". It's a fiction. Wikipedia says this, and so does answers.com… Taking that site seriously is like reporting something from The Onion as if it's real news.”

What you talkin'bout Jeremy? 'The Onion', bills itself as, 'America's Finest News Source', and I wonder if you have noticed how many of Wikipedia’s articles are in dispute? Is there also something wrong with the Atheologist using the “Weekly World News” as a source for news and information, as he frequently does, (here and here, for example). Tell me of another news outlet, (besides “Fox News”, of course), that pays such close attention to and reports so accurately and without bias on the truly important things that are going on in the world? How do you think the Atheologist keeps up with “Batboy”?

Jeremy also insists that the Atheologist misquoted Kathleen Harris in the post, he commented:

“…be elected, and it's actually pretty dishonest to put those words in quotes when it's not just not her direct words but a very different view entirely…I tried to find the quote ‘Only Christians should be elected to public office in the U.S.’ I couldn't, because it's not there, probably because she didn't say it. What she did say is that she thinks Christians ought to support Christian candidates, not that only Christians should be allowed to hold public office.”

The key words in Jeremy’s comment above is that he, “…tried to find the quote…” to which the Atheologist must give Jeremy some credit for trying, but had he looked a little more carefully at the original Kathleen Harris Florida Baptist Witness interview he would have seen something that only trained journalists, international spies, Rhodes scholars and investigators such as the Atheologist have the ability to detect. If Jeremy had paid a little closer attention, he would have noticed something at the supposed ending of the interview. He would have noticed this: ‘…’, at the very end, which shows that something had been cut out of the interview and it just so happens that The Atheologist is in possession of the original complete transcript of the interview.
What Ms. Harris said after the, ‘…’, is this:

“average citizens who are not Christians and therefore not too bright, should not be allowed to vote, since they may not vote for candidates who are Christians and as all true Christians know, only Christians should be elected to public office in the U.S. In addition, all voting machines should be hacked, I mean manned and programmed by Republicans, just like the way they are in my home state and all freed slaves with gross incomes over $450,000.00 dollars should have no voting limitations.”

The Atheologist really hopes that people like Jeremy will someday be able to tell the difference between facts and the truth and between a fairy tale and fiction. Only when they learn to look at the whole picture, instead of just the entire story, will the whole ball of wax begin to take shape and only then will their needle in the haystack be able to kill two birds with one stone.

The Atheologist

The Amish Tragedy

2006-10-06T17:15:00.000-04:00

With the USA’s non-Amish, (or ‘the English’ as they are called by the Amish), community still in shock over Monday’s killings of six Amish schoolgirls, the Amish community has forgiven the shooter, Charles Carl Roberts IV. The Atheologist cannot think of anything worse for a parent to go through than having their most prized and treasured possession instantly wiped off the face of the earth. How can someone, or in this case an entire community, so quickly forgive a crime as heinous and horrific as this one? The answer it turns out is a simple one as several Amish explained.

Sam Stoltzfus, 63, an Amish woodworker who lives a few miles away from the shooting scene, told The Associated Press that the victims' families will be sustained by their faith:

"We think it was God's plan, and we're going to have to pick up the pieces and keep going. A funeral to us is a much more important thing than the day of birth because we believe in the hereafter. The children are better off than their survivors."

An Amish woman, who did not want to be named, told CBS News Early Show national correspondent Tracy Smith:

"We have to forgive. We have to forgive him in order for God to forgive us,"

An Amish elder had this to add:

“We have heard that Mr. Roberts, (the murder of our children, whom we have forgiven), was planning to and would have raped them before killing them, had the English police not arrived when they did. We want God to know that we in the Amish community would have welcomed the raping so that we would now have much more to forgive Mr. Roberts for. It’s too bad that he didn’t burn down a few of our barns too while he was at it! We also forgive the English police for arriving too early.
Oh and though it is a very difficult thing for us to do we forgive all of you English who pronounce Amish as ‘aim-ish’ and not, ‘ah-mish’, which is the proper pronunciation.”

So there it is. The Atheologist now understands the Amish concept of forgiveness. When someone does you wrong, which can include messing with your family, (are you listening Steven Segal?), you should immediately forgive the wrongdoer. If you don’t and God gets the impression that you are upset and not willing to forgive, then he may not forgive you for your sins. These sins may have included littering, rape, murder, pedophilia or coveting anything that the English have and you do not. That seems very easy to understand for everyone, (except of course for the atheists.)

The Atheologist

Ten Thousand and Counting

2006-10-04T05:39:00.000-04:00

Woo-Hoo! The Atheologist’s blog has reached a milestone with its counter recording its 10,000th hit.
Thanks goes out to everyone who made this possible, but especially to those who accidentally clicked on the Atheologist’s link from another site.

The Atheologist

Conversations With God

2006-10-02T07:06:00.000-04:00

A most incredible and amazing thing has recently happened. God has personally spoken to the Atheologist! Here are the miraculous details:
A blogger named Sheldon who is the author of a blog called, “The Humanist Observer”, recently posted a post entitled, ‘Conversations With God?’ In his post he makes reference to the, “Belief Net”, website and a survey that they have about their conversations with God. Sheldon then goes on to tell us what his questions were to God. Here are some of them:

"Why did you kill the innocent first born sons of Egypt for the wrong doing of their fathers? Why did you order and permit the Israelites to slaughter innocents in war, leaving only the virgins to live and be taken as captive wives? Wasn't that totally immoral? Why does your son say that because I simply don't believe in you, I am morally equivalent to people who do some of the most immoral things, and that I will go to hell for my disbelief? Why do you tell me to honor my parents in the 10 commandments, but then your son Jesus says that I should hate my mother and father, and other family members?"

He then goes on to say some nasty things to and about God, which the Atheologist will not print here. (Go to his post if you think you can take it.)
Lo and behold, shortly after Sheldon’s post was posted the Atheologist, who happened to be dozing in his big comfy chair after eating quite a heavy lunch, was visited in a dream by none other than God. Here is what God had to say:

“Hey Atheologist, tell Sheldon that I am very mad at him. I am not going to answer any of his silly questions because I am busy constructing a place that is much much worse than hell where he and people just like him will be sent to suffer and be tortured and burned and sliced up and sprayed with lemon juice for ever and ever,(all because I love them). Tell him that I don’t have to answer his or anyone else’s questions because I am God and it’s all part of my master plan and it will all make sense in the end for those who believe and trust in me. But I do apologize for the run on sentences. Now wake up and go tell him, you can do it in a comment on his blog if you want to.”

And that’s just what the Atheologist did, now the rest is up to Sheldon.

So what has the Atheologist learned a lot from this incident? He has learned that you do not question God. That Sheldon is not really an atheist because atheists don’t talk to God. And that God sometimes speaks to ordinary people like the Atheologist, not just the more important ones like him, him, him, him or her.

The Atheologist

A Page On Mark Foley

2006-09-30T23:39:00.000-04:00

Congressman Mark Foley, (Republican from the Sixteenth Congressional District of Florida who built his political career as a protector of children), has abruptly resigned after many years of service. He resigned after he came under scrutiny for sending questionable emails and instant messages to a 16-year-old page. Many of his constituents and others have had unkind words for, and are distancing themselves from the congressman.

The Atheologist on the other hand, applauds Foley, who is well known for his great work in helping exploited children, especially in the area of pedophilia. The Atheologist feels that Foley never should have resigned. Transcripts of his instant message exchanges show his great interest, passion and penetrating love of young, (male), adolescents. The Atheologist does not understand where all of Foley's friends in the, “Family Values”, party are and why they aren’t standing behind this great man. Foley in the past has received high ratings from the Christian Coalition and helped write laws to shield youths on the Internet from what he described as "sick people."

All is not lost for Foley though. Due to his many years of service on the Washington scene he is surely very skilled in the ins and outs and workings of the politics inside the Beltway. The Atheologist predicts a future career as a lobbyist, or something more hands on*, for Foley, possibly with a youth group such as NAMBLA.

*One of the Atheologist's many sources has told the Atheologist that Foley isn't just very computer savy, but is a very hands on type of a guy. That information should become public knowledge shortly.

Here’s a video tribute to Foley.

The Atheologist

Benny and Mo and the Religion of Peace

2006-09-18T19:22:00.000-04:00

Pope Benedict XVI has apologized for offending Muslims and Islam, (the religion of peace), in a speech in Bavaria last week. He said the medieval text which he quoted did not express in any way his personal opinion, adding the speech was an invitation to respectful dialogue. The Pope has been under intense scrutiny amid angry reactions from throughout the Muslim, (the followers of the ‘religion of peace’), world.
The murder of an Italian nun and her bodyguard in Somalia may be linked to Muslim anger in reaction to the Pope’s speech. And yesterday the surge of violence continued. Two churches in the West Bank were set on fire, following five incidents in the West Bank and Gaza on Saturday, when five churches were firebombed and fired at.
In an internet statement, an al Qaeda linked militant group vowed a war against the, "worshippers of the cross", in response to the pope's speech. The Mujahideen Shura Council, according to Reuters, had this to say:

"We tell the worshipper of the cross (the Pope) that you and the West will be defeated, as is the case in Iraq, Afghanistan, Chechnya,…We shall break the cross and spill the wine....God will (help) Muslims to conquer Rome. ... God enable us to slit their throats, and make their money and descendants the bounty of the mujahideen."

It is obvious to the Atheologist that Muslims the world over have such a deep respect for and value so highly what the Pope has to say about their, “religion of peace”, that he has the ability to turn Muslims away from their peaceful, loving and respectful ways. It seems to the Atheologist that the Pope now has a lot more to apologize for. He needs to apologize for not apologizing quickly enough and now he needs to apologize for all of the violence and killings that have occurred and are still occurring, all due, as the Atheologist sees it, to his lack of understanding of Muslims and their, “religion of peace”.

The Atheologist

Is There A Doctor In The House?

2006-09-07T08:44:00.000-04:00

Back in July, Zimbabwe lifted the ban on the practice of witchcraft. (Exodus 22:18 be damned!) The Zimbabwean government acknowledged that supernatural powers exist - but prohibits the use of magic to cause someone harm. The new ruling also reversed the 1899 legislation that made it a crime to accuse someone of being a witch or wizard.

The president of the country, who has been in power for 26 years, is Robert Mugabe, popularly known as just, “Bob.” The Atheologist applauded Bob and his constituents back then for having the guts to show that religious discrimination is wrong. Freedom of religion means freedom for all religions, even Black Magic, not just the more popular ones.

Now more great news from Zimbabwe - witch doctors, are going to be permitted to give patients official sick days, which will be recognized by employers. The Atheologist thinks that this is a great idea. I know that if I’m under someone’s spell, the last thing I would want to do is go into work and spread my nasty spell amongst my co-workers, even if I still had my penis.

The Atheologist

Kathleen Harris and The Red Sea Pedestrians

2006-08-31T08:42:00.000-04:00

Florida Congresswoman Kathleen Harris recently told the Florida Baptist Witness that – 1) separation of church, state is “a lie”, 2) God and America's founding fathers did not intend the country to be "a nation of secular laws", and 3) "only Christians should be elected to public office in the USA". For some reason, there was quite a hullabaloo. The loudest outcry came from Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz, a Florida Democrat who is Jewish, she told the Orlando Sentinel that she was "disgusted" by Harris's comments.

The Atheologist is having a hard time understanding why some Jews would have a problem with Ms. Harris’ pro-Christian comments. Could it be possible that this is a form of anti-Christianism? Isn't it the Christians who always remind everyone that an atheist should not "be considered as citizens", and therefore never be elected to public office. Wasn’t it the Christians who fought to have “In God We Trust”, printed on our currency and stamped on our coins? Wasn’t it the Christians who had the words, “under God”, inserted into the pledge of allegiance? And isn’t it the Christians who are trying to have this country return to its Judeo-Christian roots by having for example - the ten commandments displayed in every public space possible? “What part of Judeo- Christian”, are these Jews not seeing? And come to think of it, didn’t God hand off the ten commandments to Moses, who happened to be Jewish himself?

I mean is the Atheologist the only one who thinks that it is possible Ms. Wasserman Schultz is overreacting just a bit and maybe guily of being a little too pro-Semitic? The Jews have the honor of being God’s chosen people. As far as the Atheologist knows, they have more holidays than any other religion on earth. And we all know that everyone likes a good bagel. Isn’t that enough for them? That is only one of the Atheologist's many Jewish questions.

P.S. Here's just one example of the many unselfish good deeds that Christians have done for the Jewish people.

The Kabbalah Cleaning Service

2006-08-23T07:08:00.000-04:00

As many of you have heard, pop diva Madonna, along with husband Guy Ritchie, have been lobbying the British government to use a powerful Kabbalah fluid to clean up radioactive waste.

The couple, both followers of the Jewish spiritual movement Kabbalah, approached Downing Street, Whitehall and British Nuclear Fuels , promoting an idea on a way to clean up radioactive waste using a "mystical" liquid which has already been tested successfully in a Russian lake. This very special water according to Kabbalah beliefs, “can receive magic healing powers through meditation and the consciousness of sharing”. That sounds very reasonable and logical to the Atheologist. But why would the “Material Girl” limit this magic cleaning solution to only cleaning up radioactive waste.

Why stop there? The world has so many other pesky problems that also need addressing. The Atheologist can think of a few: How about using it for that cloudy pool water, as a mouthwash for those, ‘bad breath germs’, that mildew problem in the bathroom that you can’t seem to get rid of, cleaning computer keyboards, ring around the collar and our Sicilian friends may be interested in using it to removing those annoying blood stains from the carpeting.

The Atheologist has a few suggestions on what to name this cleansing wonder. How about, ‘True Blue’ or ‘Like a Prayer’ or so there’s no beating around the bush, ‘Cleaning and Radioactivity de-Actifying Kabbalah Powered Treatment Solution’, or “CRAKPOTS” for short.

Mel Gibson In Rehab

2006-08-01T06:36:00.000-04:00

Mel Gibson entered a rehab program after his arrest on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol, his publicist said Monday.
The Australian-raised actor-director's publicist, Alan Nierob, told AP that Gibson, 50, was in bad shape and very sorry for the alleged bad judgment he made when he allegedly drove his car while he was allegedly drunk.
But Gibson's alleged outburst, which included a comment that "Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world", has caused public outrage. Gibson already had been accused of anti-Semitism in his movie, The Passion of the Christ. For some, his alleged drunken tirade confirmed the allegations were true.
But Gibson’s publicist has relayed a second apology from Gibson stating that he never meant for anyone to hear what he had said about the Jews and that goes double for those, “Jews For Jesus”, Hebes - the Christ killers who obviously have mended their ways.

The Atheologist suspects that being the devout Christian that he is, at least he won't struggle, (like an atheist would), with that part of the 12 steps concerning acceptance of a higher power.

The Atheologist

The Mouse Story

2006-07-28T07:55:00.000-04:00

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.
"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard,the mouse proclaimed the warning: "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you but it is of no consequence to me. I will pray for you.
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose. I will remember you in my prayers tonight.”

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap-- alone.That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife.The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows that you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral, that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, what is the moral of this story?
Some may say that since we are all involved in this journey called life, we must keep an eye out for each other and make an extra effort to help one another.
OK that’s pretty good, but the Atheologist thinks that the real moral to this story is this: The next time you hear of someone who is facing a problem and you pray for them, don’t forget to pray for yourself first!

The Atheologist

Bush And The NAACP

2006-07-21T20:30:00.000-04:00

For the first time since he took office, President Bush , yesterday, engaged in his first address to the NAACP at their 97th annual convention.
He had turned down their invitations since becoming president, and looked like he could become the first sitting president since the 1920s to refuse to address the NAACP.
It went as well as one would have expected and towards the end of the 33-minute speech, the president made the cut sign under his chin and several Secret Service personnel went through the crowd asking all reporters and news men and women to turn off all of their audio and video equipment. What happened next? Well luckily the Atheologist was able to aquire the transcript of what the president said, from an annonomous friend who happened to be there and who happens to know shorthand. Here it is:

"I had to have y'all turn off your recording devices because I don't want to have the same thing happen to me like it did the other day when I was talking to that English guy and the "s" word slipped out of my mouth and was heard by billions of people around the world. I need to talk to all of you nice colored people as a fellow brother, hell, we're all brothers because we have the same father and you all know who I'm talking about.

As I said before and by the thunderous applause I received, I see that all you nice Negroes agree with me that we want a united America that is one nation under God. But what about those people who don't agree with us, what about the Atheists? Well here's what I have to say about them:

They don't know shit about Jesus.
Atheists think that their shit don't stink, but it does a lot.
They need to get their shit together.
They don't know it, but they're in deep shit when judgement day comes around.

Hey here's a riddle: How many dumb as shit Atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Three. One to hold the bulb and two to turn the ladder. Do y'all get it? They're so shittin' stupid they don't know that you just have to turn the shittin' bulb to get it in. Get it? That's funny! Sister Condoleezza told me that one.

Anyway back to those Atheists. They should find a shitty country that wants them and move there, shit, they should take all of the Democrats and anti-war people with them too.

Did y'all know that there aren't any Atheists in foxholes? That's because they're all a bunch of cowards and when they know that the enemy is acomin' they shit their pants and run. I'm not makin' this shit up, these are facts.

I am pretty sure that there aren't any Allahites or Heebs here today so when I speak about God I know that we are on the same page. I'm talking about Jesus, our savior.
Now even though Jesus was white he loves all of you colored people equally, so God bless you all.

Now I have to go have some kind of a meeting about those pesky Arabs and Heebs and all of the problems that they're having. It's about time that they got their shit together. Hey, does anyone need a massage?

The Atheologist

Why Was The Atheologist Banned From This Blog?

2006-07-18T06:19:00.000-04:00

A blog named, “A Lady's Ruminations", has banned the Atheologist from leaving comments. But why? The blog's main author, 'Lady Jane', according to her profile, is a very Conservative Republican, loves 'having a proper Tea', (Twinings). She also seems to love the Drudge Report, Fox News, President Bush, Dick Cheney, Ann Coulter and Jesus and is a devout Christian,(Catholic?), who hates liberals, Atheists, gays and the ACLU. In the header portion of this blog is a quote from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice: "Jane was firm where she felt herself to be right.”. The Atheologist was curious to know what that meant and asked this:

"Your blog's header has this quote: "Jane was firm where she felt herself to be right.”,
I would like to know if Jane is referring to the feeling of her right breast which was firm when she felt it and if so, when will she let us know how her left breast’s firmness compares to her right one's? "

Shortly thereafter, when the Atheologist tried to place another comment on this blog, he got: "Banned by webmaster. Your comments will not be added".
What a bummer!

The Atheologist

*A note to ‘Lady Jane’:
Your Blog takes an awfully long time to load.
If I were you I would contact the Bacon Eating Atheist Jew. I remember that he had a similar problem with his blog and has rectified it.

The Persecution Of Star Jones

2006-07-04T17:29:00.000-04:00

The Atheologist has acquired what he was told are transcripts of edited out parts of Star Jones’ recent 'Larry King Live' appearance. In these transcripts Star tells Larry that the 'American Atheists' organization and other Atheist groups are responsible for her departure from ‘The View’. Here is a section from the transcripts:

Star Jones Reynolds: It was the Godless, pro-slavery, Payless Shoes boycotting, Atheists that are responsible, and they had it planned for a long time.
Larry King: Why would they? How could they, accomplish that?
Star Jones Reynolds: They are very mad at me for pointing out that an Atheist should never be elected as president of this country. Those Atheists must have done some kind of devil worship, sacrifice ritual, which put a curse on me and caused me to go from a plump curvy beautiful woman of color, into a shriveled up skinny hag, which is the main reason that I got kicked off the show. I did not have gastric bypass surgery! I swear!
Everyone knows that Atheists are one of the most powerful and sinister groups in this country, topped only by the Israeli lobby and Oprah. Barbara (Walters) is a very evil person, probably an Atheist. But everyone will see that Jesus has my back and something very bad will happen to Barbara and probably Rosie too in the near future.

Could this be true? And why were these parts edited from the show? How can a "Live" show be edited? The Atheologist has more questions than answers it seems.
But the Atheologist has not received a reply from 'American Atheists' regarding this matter, which practically confirms that they had a hand in Star Jones’ downfall.

The Atheologist

The Power Of Prayer

2006-06-28T05:49:00.000-04:00

Since the high price of gasoline puts a big burden on individuals and the economy, the Atheologist would like to thank everyone who participated in prayer vigils back in April and May. We are now seeing the results at the pumps. In the Atheologist's neck of the woods prices for regular gas have not been above $3.00 in a long time. The Atheologist actually paid $2.839 the other day.

Obviously then, prayer does work. Look at how much money and time was wasted on studies such as this one which supposedly showed that praying is a useless endeavor. Some people won’t be convinced until God grows back a missing limb or organ through the power of prayer. Can you believe that? Maybe those people should ride their bikes or walk to work from now on.

With his wedding anniversary coming up in a few months, the Atheologist is also very thankful that the price of gold, (look at the chart below!), has been dropping since those good people started their gasoline prayers. It seems that God doesn’t differentiate between commodities.

(Luckily the Mrs. doesn’t read the Atheologist’s blog or it would ruin the surprise. She thinks that she’s getting flowers and a Dunkin Doughnuts gift card.)

The Atheologist

Da Vinci And His Code; Another Problem For The Catholic Church

2006-05-23T22:26:00.001-04:00

Boy, it seems that the Catholic Church, (as if it needed more problems), is having a very tough time dealing with the latest big screen blockbuster, "The Da Vinci Code". The movie, unfortunately for the church, did very well, selling $232 million worth of tickets worldwide, including $77 million domestically last weekend, (its opening). Catholics and other Christians in many countries have denounced the movie. Father Thomas Euteneuer, president of Human Life International, a Catholic values advocacy group, is organizing a boycott of the film, which he says promotes Satanism. Even the Vatican is putting its two cents in.

Will watching the movie cause some Catholics to question their faith and ultimately abandon the Church and add to the problem of waning Catholic participation in the Eucharist and other sacraments? Will it add to the dramatic decline in vocations to the priesthood in the past three decades.? If so, what can be done about it? Well, the Atheologist has a few suggestions for the Church which may help undo some of the damage, they are:

(1) Bring back those old fashioned "penguin suits" for nuns. Folks oughta be able to take one look at your holy ladies and know they're not just Plain Janes whose mamas never taught 'em about makeup. And while you're at it, give them the go-ahead to start whacking uppity brats with rulers again.
(2) Start going medieval on those pedophile priests. Drag up all the old torture devices from the Spanish Inquisition, like the rack and the Iron Maiden, from the Vatican basement dust 'em off -- and wipe that scum off the face of the Earth.
(3) Teach priests Irish accents. Anyone who's seen old-time movies with stars like the late, great Barry Fitzgerald as padres knows that heartwarming "top of the morning to you" stuff is essential.
(4) Replace all altar boys with altar girls -- ages 18 and up. That'll discourage boy-crazy fruitcakes from becoming priests. Shorten the altar girls robes to show a little thigh and I betcha that'll double church attendance in no time flat.
(5) Priests need better costumes -- so replace robes with black leather jackets. Make the outfits cool enough and I guarantee you, plenty of Italian youths will dream of getting ordained instead of becoming "made men."
(6) Let parishioners vote on saints by a show of hands. Mind you, sometimes you'll get goofy ones like "Saint Di" and maybe even "Saint Oprah" when Ol' Tubby is pushing up daisies. But let ordinary folks get in on the excitement and Mass will soon be as popular as American Idol.
(7) Impose term limits for popes. Why not retire when you're still healthy enough to speak, for crying out loud? (8) Make bishops take a vow of silence -- but let the monks talk. I reckon those brothers who've been studying books all their lives have some mighty sensible things to say. Meanwhile, yappy bishops can afford to hush up for a spell -- especially when it comes to telling Americans how to vote for President.(8) Instead of limiting the priest conducting mass to using, and drinking wine during the Eucharist, a good lager or stout along with a large selection of aperitifs, digestifs and liqueurs should be made available to those priests with a preference.
(9) How about handing out door prizes, but only to those who stay for the whole service.
(10) Start a punch card system and anyone who attends 10 Sunday masses in a row, is excused from contributing at the next service when the collection plate comes around. They can just throw their used up punch card into the basket.
(11) As Jesus performed miracles during his short time here on earth and since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, priests could perform magic tricks, (simple sleight of hand should suffice), during mass. Many in the congregation who now regularly fall asleep during service, would have their eyes glued to the altar trying to figure out how Father Mackenzie did it. And it’s not out of the question that this would influence the little ones in the congregation into considering the priesthood as a viable option for their vocations.

If just a handful of these suggestions were put into practice the Atheologist is sure that the Catholic Church could steal faithful away from those, "less fun", religions and maybe snag an Atheist or two in the process.

Now the Atheologist is off to see what Bat Boy is up to.

The Atheologist

Can Christians Be Angry Too?

2006-05-19T12:14:00.000-04:00

The recent article by Rabbi Gellman, made the point that Atheists are often very angry individuals. One of the Atheologist’s readers named 'Tommy', left a comment yesterday on the Atheologist’s post on the subject. This was the comment:

“You know what? I wrote you a long letter in answer to your idiot diatribe and then discovered I had to join a blog site. Of course this wiped out my letter and I would have had to write it all over again. I decided you just weren't worth the trouble.”

For some reason he seemed a little upset at the Atheologist, angry even.
The Atheologist did a little research and came to find out that this individual did in fact have his own blog, he was just not aware of that fact. His blog is entitled “Defending The King”. And in the first post on his blog, “Dang it. I'm getting fed up with it!”, it appears that he is a very angry Christian.
Now the Atheologist, being the fact finding, I report you decide, kind of investigator became a little suspicious after reading his post. Could this individual be one of the many bloggers who are not in fact what they make themselves out to be? (That’s going around a lot these days.) Could it be that this blogger is pretending to be a Christian and is actually an Atheist? Look at what made the Atheologist suspicious - Several statements in his post, like when he was referring to:
(1) his daughter- “ I'd sure like to ring her neck sometimes and smack some sense into her.”
(2) Atheists- “I guess I'm going to go now and find me an atheist to beat up! (Just kidding)”
(3) those with differing opinions- “If you don't like what you read here drop me a line anyway and then I'll meet you out behind the barn! (kidding again)”
The Atheologist was very surprised that a Christian could actually resort to violence, (or was he really just kidding?); I don’t believe that Jesus ever did, resort to violence that is, come to think of it I don't think that Jesus kidded around much either. Could this in actuality be an Atheist’s attempt to put Christians in a bad light? The Atheologist had to find out.
The Atheologist went undercover, this time disguised as a concerned Christian. The Atheologist shot out this email to Tommy:

“I don't think you picked a good title for a blog. You seem to be saying that our King is weak and needs help defending himself. As a Christian who has debated many atheists before I think that they will turn that around and use it against you.”

'Tommy' responded with:

“As you well know then, not only do atheist believe our King may be 'weak' they believe our King doesn't even exist. This blog is directed to a godless society on a secular level that even they can understand.
I agree with you in that our King does not need defending however, that is 'preaching to the choir'. I stand by my title. Should I be attacked for it I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
In a round about sort of way Peter defends God when he warns of false prophets and teachers. (Pt. 2f). Perhaps not the same thing exactly as I am saying but I think you get the point.
Well Mr. (name withheld to protect the Atheologist's pseudonym) , it was very good to hear from you and I do welcome your comments. Being human and relatively a young Christian yet, I need guidance and shoring up from time to time. Fortunately, I'm a fast learner!
Walk in Faith. –Tommy”

Well now, it does seem that this particular blogger really is what he professes to be. What a relief!
So, it seems that not just Atheists, but Christians can get angry sometimes too. Well even the Atheologist, (and maybe Rabbi Gellman), I guess, can learn something new everyday!

The Atheologist

A Note To Albert Gedraitis

2006-05-15T07:19:00.000-04:00

A recent blog post on the, "refWrite...page2", blog, (May 12th entry), which notes its publisher as Albert Gedraitis, made a guess, or as he put it he had, “One thawt that nags me”, and that was that the “Atheologist” blog and the “Bacon Eating Atheist Jew” blog may be authored by the same person. He then goes on to also comment about the Jewish Atheist, (who wasn’t bothering anyone), and the problems that he has with him too, to this I say to Albert:

Hey good guessing Albert, but you are wrong. Did it ever occur to you that the 'Bacon Eating Atheist Jew' blog, the 'Atheologist' blog and your blog too, may be authored by the same person? I’m just kidding of course, but sometimes you have to think outside of the box as the Atheologist often does.

I have one thing that I must clarify about statements that you made regarding my post in which the link to the “Nerdy Christian Bitches” appeared, or the “picture of six unglamorous lovely young women” as you called them.
I was not trying to demean them at all. If you had bothered to read the entire post instead of just clicking the link, you would have seen that that picture was an integral part of the post. Oh and by the way they were actually Christians, Presbyterians to be exact, look here. And one more, 'by the way', I don't think that you should have insulted them by calling them “unglamorous”. Just because they do nothing for you, doesn’t mean that some nerdy Christian studs wouldn’t think that they were hot.

Albert, may I suggest that in the future you employ logical assumptions, as the Atheologist does, in your research instead of the illogical ones that you obviously use.
Example: The Bacon Eating Atheist Jew says that he eats bacon. The Atheologist claims, on his profile, to be a vegetarian. Using a logical assumption, one would say that they are both telling the truth or both lying if they were the same person. Hence they must be two different individuals.
Based on the meat eating data and using an illogical assumption, as you seem to be in a habit of doing, you would have to assume that neither one of them is a professional wrestling fan although at least one of them may not believe that it is a staged event. Get it now?

Albert, please note that the Atheologist's dog does not even remotely resemble a border collie.

The Atheologist

Don’t Judge A Blog By Its Cover

2006-05-12T07:35:00.000-04:00

The Atheologist has come across a blogger who may not be what he professes to be. This particular blogger, who shall not be identified by the Atheologist, leads his readers to believe that he is an Atheist.
Now the Atheologist, whose job it is to find the truth in all things relating to Atheism and religion, believes that he sees this blogger for what he really is. This particular blogger is no Atheist, but actually a Fundamentalist Christian!

The Atheologist has witnessed thousands of online debates between Fundamentalist Christians vs. Atheists and Fundamentalist Christians vs. people of other faiths and has become an authority on the way Fundamentalist Christians operate. Here is the evidence gathered from his blog and online forums, that have led the Atheologist to his logical assumption, see if you don’t agree:

(1) Anyone who disagrees with him is wrong – A typical Fundamentalist trait.
(2) Resorts to name calling and belittling instead of discussion when he is frustrated – A Fundamentalist technique, (uses retarded, retarded moron, gullible, stupid, ignorant, jerk, French whore, Moonbat and Dhimmiwit often).
(3) Posts his and his dog’s picture on his blog – A real Atheist knows, that for an Atheist, this is a very dangerous thing to do. (But then again maybe it’s not really his picture or his dog’s picture and he’s not really a Canadian, he’s probably from Alabama).
(4) Strongly defends and supports Israel’s right to exist – Fundamentalist Christians need Israel to exist so that the Biblical End Times scenario can play out.
(5) Brags a lot – about his dog, his sense of humor, his intelligence, the number of hits his blog gets…this is a typical Fundamentalist Christian superiority complex trait.
(6) Has a great singing voice from all those years he spent in his church choir - as witnessed from audio clips on a recent blog post of his.
(7) Doesn’t have a job – He doesn’t need a job because he probably gets money from the Bush Administration’s Faith Based Initiative program funneled through his church. (Remember he’s from Alabama).
(8) Pretends to be a racist and bigot – True Christians are not. (A cunning use of deception here) .
(9) Does not like conspiracy theories - (except for those against Israel see # (4) above) – This is an offshoot of the hatred that Fundamentalist Christians have towards any theory, examples; Evolutionary theory, big bang theory, gravitational theory, alien clone theory…etc.
(10) Recently started screening the comments to his blog – Maybe others besides the Atheologist were getting wise to his ways.

There was one thing that at first bothered the Atheologist in the early stages of his investigation into this blogger. His spelling and grammar are impeccable. (It is a well known fact that Fundamentalist Christians have terrible grammar and spelling because they have a hard time concentrating in English class what with their minds constantly on Jesus.) The Atheologist looked into this anomaly and found out that some Fundamentalist Christians actually know how to use Spell Checker, (what a relief that was).

There is still one question that the Atheologist cannot answer at this time about this blogger:
Does he or does he not actually eat bacon?

As a side note:
The Atheologist has found several other bloggers who also do not actually appear to be what they profess to be. There is one in particular one that caught the Atheologist’s attention. She is a blogger who gives the impression of being a devout Catholic, but the Atheologist is working on the theory that she may actually be a Black, Lesbian, Atheist, Migrant Mud Wrestler. Stay tuned.

Update 2/01/2007: It seems that the blogger who is the subject of this post, is still practicing his deception. In the interest of public safety and truthfulness the Atheologist feels obligated to identify the architect of this little charade. This individual’s blog can be found here.

The Atheologist

Evangelist Inadvertently Turns Christians Into Homosexuals

2006-05-04T07:34:00.000-04:00

Well known evangelist, Ray Comfort along with his partner Kirk Cameron have a popular, “Way Of The Master”, video out, in which Ray explains that God created the banana to fit the human hand and mouth, thus proving that creationism and God exists, evolution is a lie and Atheists are going to hell. The video has had an unintended side effect though. Here are some quotes from it:

Note that the banana, (the Atheists' nightmare);

Is shaped for human hand.
Has non-slip surface.
Has outward indicators of inward content;
Green-too early,
Yellow-just right,
Black-too late.
Has a tab for removal of wrapper...contents don't squirt in your face.
Is perforated on wrapper.
Has a bio-degradable wrapper.
Has a point at top for ease of entry.
Is pleasing to taste buds .
Is shaped for human mouth.
Is curved towards the face to make eating process easy.

Although quite persuasive, the video has inadvertently awoken some latent homosexual feelings in many, mainly young, Christian men. Many ex-gay Christian ministries, such as Love In Action and Exodus International have reported a large increase in the number of inquiries and requests for help by these men and their new found gayness.

The entire video can be seen here, with the banana segment starting at approximately three and a half minutes into it or here for the banana segment alone. (The Atheologist isn’t sure but it looks like Kirk is more turned on by Ray's banana than by Jesus.)

A suggestion to Kirk and Ray from the Atheologist: Next time use a pomegranate instead of a banana. Pomegranates, unlike bananas are not sexy fruits and they are often mentioned in the Bible.
Now the Atheologist needs to go take a cold shower.

The Atheologist

Why Are Atheists So Angry?

2006-05-03T07:32:00.000-04:00

Rabbi Marc Gellman, (the Kosher half of the “God Squad”), recently wrote an article which was published in Newsweek. It was entitled “Trying to Understand Angry Atheists”. In the article, Gellman states that he does not understand why Atheists are often so angry.

Over the years the Atheologist has developed the ability to decipher and make logical assumptions about what individuals are really trying to say.

The Atheologist has perused the Gellman article several times and in reading between the lines, believes that he has figured out what the good rabbi was trying to say. I have come to the conclusion that Rabbi Gellman was trying to point out that the angry Atheists are the ones to blame when it comes to the problems in our world today. The Atheologist assumes that the reason that he did not actually come out and say it, is that he didn’t want to make the angry Atheists angrier and turn non-angry Atheists into the angry type. He’s so thoughtful and kind.
Here is the Atheologist’s translation of what he actually meant in the article. If it makes the Atheists angrier, so be it:

What he wrote: “I think I need to understand atheists better.”
What he meant: Atheists are so hard to figure out, because they are liars.
What he wrote: “I bear them no ill will.”
What he meant: I wish they would shrivel up and die.
What he wrote: “…I have no desire to debate or convert them.”
What he meant: In a debate, they would use facts and logic to twist what I say.
What he wrote: “…I will admit to occasionally viewing atheists with the kind of patient sympathy often shown to me by Christians…”
What he meant: I like Christians more than I like Atheists
What he wrote: “…what I simply do not understand is why they are often so angry.”
What he meant: What the f*** is wrong with them?
What he wrote: “So we disagree about God.”
What he meant: I’m right, they’re wrong.
What he wrote: “…but I try to be civil.”
What he meant: I often want to strangle them and tell them that worshipping the devil is wrong.
What he wrote: “I don't know many religious folk who wake up thinking of new ways to aggravate atheists…”
What he meant: Atheists aggravate me to no end and they like to kick puppies.
What he wrote: “I just don't get it.”
What he meant: I don’t know why they hate God and love pornography.
What he wrote: “This must sound condescending…”
What he meant: If there is one group that deserves condescension, it would be Atheists.
What he wrote: “…I am tempted to believe that behind atheist anger there are oftentimes uncomfortable personal histories.”
What he meant: Atheists are mentally ill, and sometimes eat their children.
What he wrote: “I would ask for forgiveness from the angry atheists who write to me if I thought it would help.”
What he meant: Angry Atheists cannot get past their anger and hatred, so I won’t bother.
What he wrote: “But our world is better and kinder and more hopeful because of the daily sacrifice and witness of millions of pious people over thousands of years.”
What he meant: The goodness of the pious people cancels out the anger and evil of the Atheists.
What he wrote: “…such a vision need not be seen as a red flag to those who believe nothing.”
What he meant: Atheists, who believe nothing, shouldn’t get pissed off at those who believe anything and they should stop burning down churches, temples and pet shops.
What he wrote: “I can humbly ask whether my atheist brothers and sisters really believe that their lives are better, richer and more hopeful…”
What he meant: We’re better and we've won because we believe in God and he loves us more than he loves Atheists.
What he wrote: “I can agree to make peace with atheists whom I believe ask too little of life here on planet earth if they will agree to make peace with me and with other religious folk who perhaps have asked too much.”
What he meant: I will make peace with Atheists if they would only stop – lying, worshipping the Devil, kicking puppies, eating their children, watching pornography and setting fires.

I hope that helped.

Here is a partial listing of some of the angry Atheists Rabbi Gellman was referring to and what they had to say about his article:
About.com, Stupid Evil Bastard, The Atheist Jew, The Raving Atheist, American Atheists, Betty Cracker, Mojoey, Grounded In Reality, Atheist Revolution, Hellbound Alleee, Unscrewing The Inscrutable

The Atheologist

Open Call For Lead In New Kirk Cameron Musical

2006-04-27T12:18:00.000-04:00

Attention, all of the Atheologist’s (male) readers who happen to be employed in the motion picture industry as actors. If you are looking for the role of a lifetime, this may be it. The Atheologist has learned that a new Kirk Cameron, (born again, 80s pop heartthrob who starred on 'Growing Pains' & 'Full House') and Ray Comfort, (an evangelical minister), are producing a new film entitled, “Jesus Christ the Musical”, and are in search of a new lead for it. The Atheologist sadly reports that the original lead met with an unfortunate accident while filming the pre-production trailer.

Here is the casting call information:

The executive producers of "Left Behind" and the director of "Left Behind II:Tribulation Force " in association with Living Waters Productions, are looking for a fresh face to star in a Way Of The Master's movie musical version of the life of our savior, entitled, " Jesus Christ The Musical ", which films this Fall. We are coming to San Francisco for an open casting call! Atheists need not apply.

Click the image below to see the unfinished trailer and lead actor’s final scene.
Warning and disclaimer from the Atheologist: The video may be disturbing to some viewers.

If you can't play Google videos on your computer, click here for the Windows Media version.

For more details, here is the contact information from the Way of the Master website. Even if you are not interested in trying out for the part, contact them anyway, they would love to hear from you. Ask them about Jesus.

Email them at: general@wayofthemaster.com

Call them at: 1-877-496-8688

Or snail mail them at:
The Way of the Master Industries
P.O. Box 1172
Bellflower, CA 90706

Good luck to all! Break a leg, but watch out for traffic.

Hey, all this ‘left behind’ talk has reminded the Atheologist of a riddle;

Question: What did the gay man who was dying of AIDS worry most about?
Answer: Leaving his friend’s behind.

The Atheologist apologizes in advance.

The Atheologist

Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day

2006-04-24T07:35:00.000-04:00

Today, April 24th is Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day. At this time of year, one other well known group tries to grab all of the attention insist that their genocide is better than everyone else's. This year the underdog will get all of the Atheologist's attention.

The Armenians are always proclaiming the fact that their country was the first one to adopt Christianity as the national religion. What a bunch of braggers! Being the first Christian state is all well and good but has it helped the Armenians any?

Over the centuries Armenia has suffered from a multitude of invasions, wars, massacres and has been conquered by the Greeks, Romans, Persians, Byzantines, Mongols, Arabs, Ottoman Turks, and Russians. In response to Armenian nationalist stirrings, the Turks massacred thousands of Armenians in 1894 and 1896. The most horrific massacre took place in April 1915 during World War I, when the Turks ordered the deportation of the Armenian population to the deserts of Syria and Mesopotamia. According to the majority of historians, between 600,000 and 1.5 million Armenians were murdered or died of starvation. The Armenian massacre is considered the first genocide in the 20th century. To this day Armenia’s external political situation remains unstable and problematic. Not to mention the yeast situation.

After all these centuries why have things not settled down?
What can be done to reduce or even eliminate the tension in the Caucasus?
The Atheologist thinks that he has the answer.

The Atheologist has a suggestion for the Republic of Armenia and that suggestion is a simple one: Change your national religion to Islam. It may be that simple! By admitting that you realize your mistake of picking Christianity as your national religion and switching to Islam, your neighbors will now embrace you and think of you as friends instead of infidels and heathens. Just take one look at a map of your country and those that surround you. Do you see many friendly Christian neighbors on your borders? Except for Georgia, (and they have their own problems), the Atheologist certainly does not! Azerbaijan - 93.4% Muslim, Iran – 98% Muslim and your ‘favorite’ neighbor Turkey – 99.8% Muslim. What will it take for you to see that the Atheologist is right, another holocaust?

The Atheologist can picture a much brighter future for Armenia, where Armenians and Azerbaijanis will gather together and be laughing at the silly Nagorno-Karabakh tiff. Turks will be seen embracing Armenians and finally admitting after so long that, “yes we did it and we beg for forgiveness from you and Allah”. The Atheologist sees Iran and Armenia helping each other in the nuclear power department. Beauty contests would be a lot more fun. And Armenians would now be able to participate in a Jihad if they wished, (no doubt a secret fantasy for many).

Do it Armenia, you won’t be sorry.

The Atheologist

Fundamentalist Christians Protest False Advertising In Beer Commercial

2006-04-21T07:40:00.000-04:00

The Atheologist has learned that a Guinness beer commercial has drew complaints from several well known Christian groups. The groups are protesting the depiction of humans evolving in reverse, from beer guzzling bar patrons to mudskipper like creatures. The Rev. Patrick Mahoney, director of the Christian Defense Coalition had this to say. (With a name like Mahoney, the Atheologist bets he knows a thing or two about beer):

“We all know that evolution is false, so de-evolutionizing is even falser. The fact that Guinness has chosen to show this nonsense in a commercial disgusts us and our church and our God. It is nothing more than false advertising and we demand that it be stopped.”

One Guinness spokesman has offered an explanation into the controversy surrounding the commercial saying that the commercial was inadvertently played in reverse in some markets and offered his apology. The correct version can be viewed here.

The Atheologist has noticed that the words Guinness and Genesis are awfully similar, is there something to it? The Atheologist may look into that.

FYI: Guinness is actually in the Irish stout family of beers.

The Atheologist

Armenians Crash Iraqi Beauty Contest

2006-04-17T16:48:00.000-04:00

From ABC news:

Iraq's newly crowned beauty queen, Tamar Goregian, has decided to step down — just four days after her election, making this the shortest reign in the pageant's 60-year history.
On April 9, the 23-year-old, who was the first Armenian Iraqi to win the Miss Iraq pageant, announced her resignation after receiving threats by a group of religious extremists who referred to her as "the queen of infidels" for participating in the contest.
Pageant organizers had hoped to pass the crown to the runner-up, or "Maiden of Beauty," Mona Hilmi, an Iraqi Sunni Muslim. One of the organizers said she was "equally intelligent and beautiful."
However, the second and third runners-up also withdrew from the competition for security concerns. They had not received specific threats.
Miss Teen Iraq, Silva Shahakian, a Christian, accepted the title.

Upon accepting her crown, Miss Shahakian, the latest, 'queen of the infidels', thanked everyone and said that she would use her title to promote world peace and understanding. She noted that she would not be accepting the first place prize of a two year supply of Turkish apricots and added that the Turks should take the apricots back and shove them up their asses.

The Atheologist

Not Such A Happy Birthday After All

2006-04-12T07:15:00.000-04:00

In the Atheologist’s post yesterday he explained a little about the Muhammad’s birthday celebration. Well, it did not go too well for the Sunnis - over 85 dead at birthday celebrations in Pakistan.
In one incident, at least 57 were killed when an explosion caused by sticks of dynamite made to look like birthday candles, were lit atop the birthday cake. The Atheologist suggests that the next time whoever brings the candles must be the one to light them. If that individual makes a bee line for the door, everyone will know that something is up.

In the other incident 29 were killed while leaving a seminar on the life of Muhammad. The women and children were crushed in a stampede when someone stopped to tie their Nikes. Jesus Christ, Pakistan is practically part of the Middle East, hasn’t anyone ever heard of sandals?

The Atheologist only hopes that the Shi`ites’ Muhammad birthday celebrations on April 16th go a little better.

Note: Due to the high numbers of Muslims killed in stampedes while attending religious celebrations, the Atheologist has coined a new word that he hopes will appear in Webster’s someday.
The new word is ‘Muslipede’, (mŭz'-lĭ'-pēd') – the sudden headlong rush of Muslims, often causing high numbers of injuries and deaths.

The Atheologist

Happy Birthday Muhammad!

2006-04-11T07:40:00.000-04:00

Today, April 11th is Mawlid or Mawlid an-Nabi or Milad al-Nabi or مولد، مولد النبي، ميلاد النبي, the celebration of the birth of Islam's prophet Muhammad. Well actually the Sunnis celebrate it today but the Shi'as will be celebrating it on the 16th. The Atheologist’s research into the confusion concerning the correct date of his birth, has led him to the conclusion that it can be attributed to, (blamed on), Muhammad’s mother. Legend has it that when Muhammad's mother gave birth on April 11th, she realized that little Muhammad missed the cutoff for the draft into the Meccan Army, by 2 days, and would be inducted when he reached the age of 12. Being the loving and caring mother that she was, she changed the date on the birth certificate to the 16th so that Muhammad would be drafted into the army a year later and also be able to work in the family business until he was 13 years old.

For those of you who have never attended a Muhammad birthday party celebration, it is indeed a festive celebration! There is always lots of great music and food, but you won’t see any Italian sausage or Budweiser being served. Of course, only men are allowed to participate, women are turned away at the door, no matter how hot they may be. The celebration ends with the birthday boy's cake being brought out. Everyone sings the Islamic birthday song. Here are the words to the song, translated into English. They are taken directly from the Koran:

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear Muhammad, happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you, do not make friends with a Christian or Jew, (5:51)
We will murder them and treat them harshly. (9:123)
Kill the disbelievers wherever we find them, (2:191)
Fight and slay the Pagans, seize them, beleaguer them, and lie in wait for them in every stratagem. (9:5)
And fight with them until there is no more persecution and religion should be only for Allah, (8:39)
Happy birthday to you!

The last part of the song lost some of its rhythm and flow due to the translation from Arabic, but it sounds great when sung in its mother tongue.

Here's a funny picture of Muhammad with a birthday candle on his head. Those silly Muslims!

The Atheologist

Funny Money

2006-04-05T12:17:00.000-04:00

The Atheologist was walking to work the other day when he was approached by two seemingly normal looking young ladies who proceeded to hand him something resembling a piece of United States currency. The Atheologist took the item and gave it a quick glance as he continued walking. To his surprise it was what appeared to be a one million dollar bill! The Atheologist quickened his pace in case the young ladies had a change of heart and wanted it back or were looking for sexual favors in return.

When the Atheologist got to his desk he checked out the bill and in the agitated state that he was in concluded that it was indeed real. All kinds of thoughts went through the Atheologists mind, but the first thing he decided to do was to treat some of his co-workers to some Starbucks. The Atheologist, now a millionaire, sauntered over to one of his co-workers desks and the conversation went something like this;

The Atheologist: “Hey Steve,” (not his real name), “how about a cup of Joe, lets hit 'The Mermaid', look what I have, I’m buying”.
Steve: (Looking at the bill), “What are you a moron?”
The Atheologist: "Yes I know that Starbucks is a rip-off, but this is a million dollars dude!”
Steve: “No you idiot, that’s not real”.
The Atheologist: (His heart sinking) “What do you mean? How do you know?”
Steve: “It says right here, ‘This Note Not Legal Tender For All Debts, Public And Private’, you idiot, and look, there are Christian Bible tracts on the back.”
The Atheologist: (Taking the funny money back), “Oh, then never mind.”

Sure enough when the Atheologist got back to his desk, he saw that Steve, (still not his real name), was indeed correct. His newly found wealth had vanished as quickly as it had materialized. The Atheologist was suddenly filled with hatred against those two evil, b@$t@#d, b1tch8$ that had given him such false hope. Why would they do such a thing? The Atheologist was about to put “revenge” on the top of his list of things to do today, when he noticed the date at the top of the list: April 1, 2006. April first? April fools day? Of course! Good one bitches!

The Atheologist

Links: The Jokesters, The Funny Money, Even Wikipedia was in on it!, She was fooled too! Some Nerdy Christian Bitches.

An Open Letter To George W. Bush On Immigration Reform

2006-04-03T19:05:00.000-04:00

Dear Mr. President,

I see that you are in a ~~quandary~~, ~~predicament~~, (you're in a jam). The Atheologist feels that the solution to our immigrant situation will not come easily. According a recent Pew Research Center Poll, 53 percent of Americans say illegal immigrants should be required to return home, while 40 percent say some legal status should be granted, as you are suggesting. Just like that Iraq thing, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. (It may help to get more people on your side if you casually mention that the great majority of Mexicans are Christians.)

Many of your opponents are saying that your worker amnesty program, (even though you can’t call it that), is only an attempt to help the Walmarts of this country who are looking for good, brown skinned, inexpensive labor. No, the Atheologist believes that you have only "goodliness" in your heart and have looked to Jesus for guidance and have asked yourself what he would do if he were in your position. And I believe that he would do just what you are doing, forgive and forget. Forgive the roughly 11 million illegal aliens that have broken a silly little law and forget that we have US citizens that know how to do construction work and can identify a ripe tomato when they see one. (But don't want to for the silly reason that 1/3 of a living wage is not enough to live on.)

Well Mr. President, the Atheologist is rooting for you and when you’re done with the pesky problem with our neighbors to the south, he has a few more silly laws that he would also like to see stricken from the books:

(1) The Atheologist owns a couple of peppy cars, (here and here), and occasionally likes to drive enthusiastically on our public roads, please see what you can do to legalize speeding. Mr Bush, please pay no attention to the radar detector lobby or local municipalities when they complain that this will eliminate a major source of income for them. (Maybe they should start a church and apply for money through your faith-based ~~scam~~, plan.)

(2) The Atheologist occasionally finds himself short of cash and would love it if you would also try to make bank robbery legal. Since it is a Federal crime at the present moment to rob a bank, it shouldn’t be as hard to address as the speeding issue. FYI:The President of The United States (that's you), has the top job in the Federal Executive branch of our government, (I know you don’t read that much or stay on top of current events.)
(3) Baseball is a lot more fun and exciting to watch when the balls are flying out of the ballpark and the final score looks more like a football game’s. Please do what you can to make steroid use legal again for professional baseball players. Barry Bonds would agree.

I also have a question. Is it now legal to operate all types of firearms while plastered, or only shotguns while quail hunting?

PS: Don’t listen to the Atheists when they tell you that they want you to make it legal for their kind to be elected to public offices. That’s just silly!

Your’s truly,
The Atheologist

This is not the Atheologist, and neither is this.

Update 1- The Scientific Proof That God Exists

2006-03-29T15:39:00.000-05:00

The Atheologist is awaiting a response to the letter, from the previous post, which was sent to the Fort Wayne Journal Gazette. Jerry Bergman so far has not responded, but it’s only been 3 weeks, (you know how busy those scientific people are). A Ms. Rhea Edmonds an assistant Features Editor from The Journal Gazette has assured me that she “will make sure that Jerry gets it”.

In order to kill time while we’re waiting, here are some interesting links to internet sites that also proclaim to have proof of God’s existence. Are they as scientifically valid as Jerry’s? You decide.

Here’s proof that the BEAJ needs to see!
Here's a supposed miracle that proves that God exists!
Here are over 300 proofs that God exists!
Here's proof from a mathematician!

Lots of good information there!

The Atheologist

Warning To Atheists: Scientific Proof That God Exists!

2006-03-07T12:16:00.000-05:00

Atheists are constantly being quoted as saying things such as, "I would need scientific proof to show me that God exists" or "the more science progresses, the less we need religion". But in what may be the most important story of the year, the decade or even the 21st century thus far, a famous, formerly Atheist, now Orthodox Christian scientist, says that he has scientifically proven that God does indeed exist and evolution does not. In the 30 short years that it took him to complete his study, Dr. Jerry Bergman says that he is still refining his research. That’s real scientific dedication for you! The Atheologist being the dedicated researcher that he himself is, feels a kind of kinship with Jerry and sent off this heartfelt letter to him (for some reason the Atheologist could not find a direct email address for Jerry so instead it was sent to the Fort Wayne Journal Gazette, where Jerry first announced his study.)

Dear Jerry,
Thank you for sharing the results of your study with the world. Many scientific discoveries like yours, such as the cures for cancer and the common cold, the existence of Bigfoot and the origin of crop circles, have been suppressed by those with their hidden agendas and narrow minds. I do have a few questions to ask that I’m sure are on the minds of many, including myself:

1) Which scientific journal(s) has,(have), or will be publishing your study, or is it still under peer-review?
2) Why did you choose Christianity as your faith, when someone with the name, “Bergman”, would obviously lean away from accepting Jesus as anything more than a nice street preacher? Will your published study show your scientific data that disproves the thousands of other gods, religions and their creation stories?
3) Would you consider starting a class action lawsuit against those that are teaching and in the past have taught the now disproved theory of evolution? And would uttering the words, "Darwin was right", in public be prohibited?
4) From your picture you appear to be a very intelligent individual. Were you always smart or was it only when you started wearing glasses and your head became egg-shaped that your intelligence intensified?

The Atheologist is still waiting for a response to this letter, (Jerry’s obviously a very busy man). The Atheologist will keep everyone updated.

The Atheologist

Is This The Best Blonde Joke Ever?

2006-02-28T12:29:00.000-05:00

The Atheologist does not often stray from his usual subject matter, but this blonde joke was too good to pass up.

And if you want to talk about straying, a well known bacon eating, Jewish Atheist recently posted this on his blog which has nothing to do with being Jewish, an Atheist or even eating bacon.

And when you think about it, a lot of people do appear to worship blondes and treat them as goddesses, so it may not be too far from the Atheologist’s usual topics. When he looked into it, the Atheologist could not believe the amount of blonde worshipping that goes on, try Googling “blonde” and “goddess” and see how many hits you get. (Try Googling “blonde” and “naked” and you’ll get even more.)

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. The Atheologist has found what he believes is the best blonde joke ever, click here to see it, and if you think you know of a better one, please let the Atheologist in on it.

The Atheologist

What Is An Atheist-Fundie?

2006-02-24T07:11:00.000-05:00

We have all heard about the various Religious-Fundametalists, that there are in the world. ("Fundie", for short, usually refers to the Christian variety in the USA).
But what is an Atheist-Fundie, do they even exist? Yes they do!
The Atheologist believes that he has come up with various criteria to find out if you or someone you know may be an Atheist-Fundie.

You may be an Atheist-Fundie if:

You are furious at God for not existing.
You refuse to use the word “excruciating” because of its origins in describing the agonies of crucifixion. (ex crucis – from the cross).
You get angry when Christians tell you you're going to a place that you don't think exists.
You address Christians with terms such as “waco”, “Jesus Freak” or “looney toon”
You're saving up to move to some more enlightened place, like Sweden.
You refer to the crucifixion of Jesus as the “cruci-fiction”.
You refer to the Bible as the “buy-bull”.
If someone says “God Bless” when you sneeze, you make them take it back.
You categorize the Mel Gibson movie, “The Passion of the Christ”, as a horror or a historical fiction film.
You think eating bread and drinking wine is cannibalism.
The only Commandments you know are the ones that are unconstitutional.
You not only spell “God”, with a lower case “g”.
When you go to a bookstore, you move all the Bibles to the “fiction” section.
You think that if schools teach the Intelligent Design theory of creation, they should also teach about the legend of The Flying Spaghetti Monster.
You believe that life came from nonlife, yet deny the possibility of anyone rising from the dead. (Ex: Jesus or The Blood Count).
You call your view which is held by a small minority of the American public, “common sense”.

You know who you are.

The Atheologist

Is The New Pope A Horny Guy?

2006-02-14T07:51:00.000-05:00

The Atheologist and others often uses Pastor Fred Phelps as a source of information when it comes to Christian and religious issues in general.
A good example of why he and the Westboro Baptist Church have such a good reputation can be seen in a fairly recent event. The Westboro Baptist Church has been informing the world that Pope John Paul II had been doing the work of his father the devil, and that Pope John went straight to hell when he died on April 2nd of last year. There is now some evidence that not only may that be the case, but that the new Pope may in fact be the devil, (previous statements by Pope John Paul II about President Bush being the Antichrist, may have just been a smokescreen.) An Associated Press photograph of Pope Benedict XVI, which appeared in some newspapers on April 22nd of last year shows what appears to be horns poking out of his head. The Atheologist emailed the photo to Pastor Fred, he had this to say about it,

"Like 'My Favorite Martian', whose antennae makes appearances at inconvenient times so do the Pope's horns. This is not an illusion and I didn’t need to see this photograph to confirm what I have been saying all along. Will this wake up the roughly one billion hell bound members of the Church Of The Holy Pedophiles? I doubt it. Even his name, “Benedict”, was changed from, “Beelzebub”, because some Catholics, even though most of them are as dumb as string cheese, would have figured it out."

Fred went on to tell me that except for the occasional altar boy mishap, there hasn’t been much going on in the Catholic Church and he added that,

"The Mary worshiping idolatrous morons haven’t participated in any recent holocausts, crusades or heretic burnings, but that may all change now that The Prince of Darkness is in charge. This is a good thing, because it means that we are nearing the end times and final judgment day, a wonderful, happy and joyous time when most of the world will be sent to burn in hell for all eternity!"

Thank you once again, Pastor Fred, for your insight.

The Atheologist

What's A Terrorist Martyr To Do?

2006-02-06T12:33:00.000-05:00

One of the amateurish drawings of Muhammed that the Atheologist commented on here, offers some insight into the problem that young horny Muslim terrorist martyrs face today. The theory that the Muslim heaven has run out of virgins, may in fact not be just a theory and not such a recent occurrence either. The surprising revelation that many of the 9/11 hijackers that were on the FBI’s list, are in fact alive may offer some insight.The FBI seems as confused as almost everyone else.
The Atheologist usually looks for the simplest and most reasonable explanation when he finds himself in a quandary. That possible explanation comes from none other than one of the originally suspected hijackers,Saudi Arabian pilot, Waleed Al Shehri. who was one of five men that the FBI had said had deliberately crashed American Airlines flight 11 into the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001. When the Atheologist caught up with Waleed in Morocco he had this to say,

“I’m not saying that I did or didn’t fly the plane into the one of the American Devils’ twin towers, but I may be alive and well today because there may or may not be any virgins, at least any young and beautiful ones left in Allah’s great heaven. I was or was not given the choice of taking only 4 of these bottom of the barrel, ugly old women as my wives, or returning to my earthly existence,and I may or may not have chosen to return to earth. That is why I may or may not be here today.”

The Atheologist got to thinking about all the young Muslim girls, being killed recently in Iraq and around the world. Is it possible that the supply of virgins has been replenished to pre 9/11 numbers? Is the Islamic heaven a rocking place again? There’s only one way to find out, but the Atheologist is not a gambling man.

Should Born Again Christians Be Required To Get New Birth Certificates?

2006-02-06T07:42:00.000-05:00

Should born again Christians be required to get new birth certificates?

Okanogan County, in Washington State, may just be the first municipality in the USA to require new birth certificates to those who have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior. The Weekly World News has the details.
For those Christians needing a new certificate, one can be aquired here.
Hurry, get yours before the Rapture!

The Atheologist

Dissing Muhammad?

2006-01-31T06:55:00.000-05:00

The Danish daily newspaper Jyllands-Posten last fall published 12 caricatures of Muhammad, causing an uproar that continues to build more than three months later.
Arabs and Muslims also are calling for a boycott of Danish foods, including popular cream cheese, butter and cookie brands.
Palestinian extremists have ordered all Swedes, Norwegians, and Danes to leave Gaza. Libya decided to close its embassy in Copenhagen," said it would be taking "economic measures" against Denmark.The published cartoons showed "Muhammad" in various settings. One depicts him wearing a turban shaped like a bomb with its fuse lit, while another has him with eyes blacked out and carrying a large, curved knife, flanked by two women in burqas. In another, the prophet is shown telling a line of suicide bombers seeking entry to paradise:
"Stop, stop, we have run out of virgins."

The Atheologist has taken a look at these images, and although not an art critic can see what the uproar is all about: The drawings are amateurish and lack balance, contrast or contrapposto. They should never have been published.
The Atheologist searched the Internet and found what he believes to be a portrait that is worthy of the great prophet Muhammad. This portrait seems to really capture the feelings of the artist as well as his subject matter. It is a well balanced work where the personality of the subject really comes alive, it left the Atheologist speechless, the word, synergy, comes to mind, where the whole seems to be greater than the sum of its parts. I am sure that this work of art will be appreciated by Muslims the world over. Here it is:

Somewhat related to this item was an December 2005 eBay auction of a portrait of Jesus which was actually autographed, 'with love J'., by the subject. The back of the portrait is said to have the inscription, 'I signed this, Jesus H. Christ', thus authenticating it. Surprisingly, there were no bidders.

There also weren't any boycotts, protests or death threats.

The Atheologist

New Jersey's Newest Mohel

2006-01-27T07:22:00.002-05:00

A story that caught the medias attention late last year was about a Hebrew religious procedure, called metzitzah b’peh which involves using the mouth to suck blood from the open wound after a boy is circumcised on the eighth day of life.

Well this procedure also caught the attention of the one and only Blood Count, also known as Dracula, who dropped out of his CDU online Catholic Priest course, and since then has been attending mohel classes under the direction of Dr. Neil Pollock of Vancouver, British Columbia.
The Count, who attended the course at Pollock's clinic in Vancouver, has converted to Judaism and is preparing to set up his practice in the heavily Orthodox Jewish populated community of Tenafly, NJ. He recently commented,

"Sure, becoming a Catholic priest would have been great, but there was so much confusion when it came to consubstantiation and transubstantiation. Was it now bloody wine, pretend blood, real blood or still just wine? They just couldn’t make up their minds. It drove me nuts."

When asked by one of his fellow classmates at the graduation ceremony if he would be a, “cutter”, or a, “snipper?”, the count replied,

"I haven’t perfected my technique yet but am looking forward to really sinking my teeth into my new found profession. Shalom."

And the Count kidded that he had heard that the tips were pretty good too.

The Atheologist

Survey: The World Trade Center Cross

2006-01-24T17:22:00.000-05:00

From time to time the Atheologist will be conducting short surveys through this blog, and other venues, on a variety of issues such as, and relating to; Atheism/ Theism, Church/State, Evolution/Creationism, Paper/Plastic…etc.

Background: Recovery worker, Frank Silecchia noticed two steel beams in the shape of a cross as debris was being removed two days after the 9/11 disaster. The cross now sits at the World Trade Center site along Church Street on the eastern border of the 16-acre WTC site. Frank, who describes himself as a born-again Christian was quoted as saying,

"Even an atheist watching this building must have said, 'Oh, my God!' Evil did this work, and God prevailed to show his strength."

What do you think.

1) The World Trade Center cross,
a) was left as a warning by the Christian God.
b) was left as a sign of love by the Christian God.
c) was left by Allah to show that he was victorious. (typical Muslim response.)
d) is just a chunk of metal, and it is actually in the shape of the letter “X”, not a cross at all.(typical Atheist response).
e) none of the above.

2) The fact that no other religious symbols formed by pieces of the demolished buildings were found in the rubble means,
a) that the Christian God exists. (No other gods do.)
b) that the symbols that were left by the other gods, (star of David, Islamic Star and Crescent the Wican Pentagram…etc), were accidentally shipped off to the landfill, (dump), on Staten Island.
c) that the other gods were not there that day.
d) it’s not a religious symbol, it’s just a chunk of metal. (Typical Atheist response).
e) none of the above.

3) When the WTC site is rebuilt, the cross should be,
a) the central point of any memorial, or placed on top of the Freedom Tower.
b) moved to the RNC headquarters.
c) moved to a nearby church. (Typical Americans United for the Separation of Church and State response.)
d) melted down and recycled into something usable. (Typical Atheist response).
e) none of the above.

4) If and when the cross is displayed at the new WTC memorial, there should also be:
a) a ten commandment display.
b) a display sponsored by any religion, other than Islam.
c) a bust of President George W. Bush.
d) a curtain hiding the cross. (Typical Atheist response).
e) none of the above

The Atheologist

Can’t We All Just Get Along?

2006-01-17T19:50:00.000-05:00

The Atheologist was listening to Ray Nagin’s Martin Luther King Day speech the other day and in it, Nagin commented:

"I don't care what people are saying uptown or wherever they are. This city will be chocolate at the end of the day. This city will be a majority African-American city. It's the way God wants it to be. You can't have New Orleans no other way.”

Well, Pat Robertson heard it too and had this to say:

"I have some questions for the mayor: Did god want New Orleans to be black so he could wipe it out? If God wanted New Orleans to be black, why did he target so many black neighborhoods? And I have the answer: The black, heathen, hoodoo and voodoo people of New Orleans were being punished for their digressions from our Lord, and I believe it may be time to have a different color of people populate New Orleans. This would please the Lord. Mayor Nagin is telling a lie about hearing God speak; I know this for a fact, because I am one of only a handful of people that God speaks to. What Mr. Ray Nagin needs to do, is to learn proper grammar and syntax. Have you heard the way he speaks? Do you think that God would want to converse with someone with has defiled the great Christian language of English with Ebonical dialogue? May God bless the Lower 9th Ward."

Yes, may God bless us, every one.

The Atheologist

Was Martin Luther King Jr. An Atheist?

2006-01-16T06:21:00.000-05:00

Today we celebrate Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Junior’s birthday. In the spirit of the celebration, the Atheologist performed an online search with these four words: Martin, Luther, King, and hero. One of the websites that came up in the search was, greaterthings.com, in which the supposed owner of the site, Chuck Baldwin states that the good doctor King was:

"a philanderer, a violent person, a plagiarizer, that he was cozy with Communists and worst of all he came to renounce the fundamental tenets of the Christian faith. He rejected Christ's deity, His virgin birth, and His physical resurrection. He also rejected the authority and inspiration of the Holy Bible."

The Atheologist was taken by surprise to say the least, why would Doctor King have rejected the authority of the Holy Bible? Was he an Atheist?
To get some insight into this question the Atheologist turned to Mark Knoll, the well known Bible expert, Mark says:

"Martin Luther King Jr. was not an Atheist; he was an Apostate Minister and the reason that he rejected the authority of the Holy Bible, was mostly due to his incorrect interpretation of it. While it is true that the Bible is full of stories containing cannibalism, child killing, rape…etc, and has rules for keeping and treating slaves, and for a black man in this country, which I believe he was, slavery, was a no-no. There are some parts of the Bible that actually teach us to be nice to one another. Martin Luther King Jr. did not read the bible properly. The proper way to read the Bible and get the most out of it is to skim over and ignore the parts that may cause you to distress or may confuse you and just read the ones you like, or better yet just have your minister, pastor or parish priest read them to you."

The Atheologist

Is Baseball The Answer?

2006-01-12T17:00:00.000-05:00

The faithful continued to get the crap kicked out of them in this very young New Year. Once again there was a stampede during the stoning of the devil ritual at the Hajj pilgrimage in Saudi Arabia; At least 345 Muslim pilgrims were reported killed and hundreds were injured today. The stampede in 1990 killed 1,426 people and another in February 2004 killed 244. The Saudi interior ministry said it would look into the suggestions made after the last stampede that baseball should be made the official sport of Saudi Arabia and the rest of the OPEC nations. One official was quoted as saying:

“…in baseball you must throw a ball with great speed and accuracy. This would help because then the stoners, the baseball player ones anyway, would not have to get so close to the devil. Many of the pilgrims would be able to throw their stones from their buses or camels as they pass the pillars. This should prevent most of the stampeding.”

And may the Atheologist add that there’s no crying in baseball.

The Atheologist

Ariel Sharon; Smite or Appetite?

2006-01-10T22:20:00.000-05:00

On January 4th in the world's only Jewish state, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon suffered a massive stroke. And once again Pat Robertson offered his insight into the situation:

"Ariel Sharon was dividing God's land, and God says, 'This land belongs to me, and you'd better leave it alone,' so the old Jew received his proper smiting, and woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course."

Anyone that pays attention to the mainstream media knows that Pat Robertson speaks for God and says that God speaks to him in an audible voice. Reverend Pat is always getting the medias attention and his insightful quotes are everywhere, here, here, here. As logical as Reverend Pat's explanation is, the Atheologist went ahead anyway and performed in-depth research, (mostly Googling), into any other possible explanations for Ariel Sharon's stroke.

President George "Richard Simmons" Bush spoke to Sharon after his previous stroke, in December of 2005 and said:

"Allow me to give you some pointers; be careful about food, start exercising and cut back on work hours, be careful, my chubby friend."

Sharon reportedly replied that he knew that Bush was an expert on cutting back on work hours and he would listen to him about the food and exercising too.

Shortly before Dr. Atkins died, (from a fall on an icy sidewalk, not heart problems which he previously had had, which were found to be not connected to his heart, or something like that), he commented on Ariel Sharon's girth:

"Wow that guy's a whale! He would be a perfect candidate for the Atkin's diet, maybe even a spokesman for the new Atkin's Kosher Plan, which I just invented. Of course if he were to suffer a heart attack or stroke after being on the new Atkin's Kosher Plan, it would probably be found to have been caused by a fall on an icy sidewalk."

So it seems that Ariel Sharon had a weight problem which may have contributed to his stroke. It is said that when he was in the company of his closest friends he would always joke around, holding his hands up screaming, "I just can't stop killing and eating!!!!!!!!" What a kidder!

The Atheologist then interviewed Dr. Mahmud al-Zahar at his office in Gaza, by phone. The Atheologist had met the Hamas chief at a gun safety course in upstate New York, a couple of summers ago. He said:

"It is an infidel's lie to say that the Christian God smited Ariel Sharon. The fact of the matter is, that it was Allah who struck Sharon because he was giving us Palestinians gestures of peace. We as Arabs have a tradition to uphold, which is the annihilation of the Jew, how can we continue our holy war when our enemy is being nice to us? We prayed to Allah to get rid of Ariel Sharon and to put in a real Arab hating Jew in his place. The first part of our prayers have been answered and we wait for mighty Allah to complete the second. We then will not rest until Israel disintegrates before our eyes. Have a nice day."

The Atheologist is a bit confused. He will have to wait and see, along with the rest of the world, on how this all plays out.

The Atheologist

What’s Going On?

2006-01-06T15:41:00.000-05:00

2006 is just a few days old and already the faithful of the world are having the crap kicked out of them.

On January 4th why did 12 miners die in West Virginia when their town and the entire country was praying non-stop for them?
On January 4th a landslide in Indonesia sent mud, rocks and trees cascading onto the Java island village of Cijeruk before dawn, when many residents were asleep or were praying at a mosque, approximately 200 were feared dead, most of the dead were found in the mosque.
On January 5th at least 76 people die when a hotel in Islam's holiest city of Mecca, Saudi Arabia, collapsed as millions of Muslims arrived for the annual Hajj pilgrimage?

What is the reason for all the death and suffering that is happening so early in this New Year? The Atheologist didn’t have to search for very long to get some answers. Pat Robertson as usual, was one of the first to offer an explanation, on the subject of the Indonesian and Mecca tragedies he said:

"It’s simple, New Year - New Smiting, that’s a no brainer, when you pray to the wrong God, the right God will smite you, and the good Lord is a smiter extraordinaire. When you cry out, 'Allah Akhbar', while the mud is rising all
around you, you would have to be crazy to think that Jesus would put out his hand, or even his pinky to try to rescue you.”

But Robertson was not so sure about the smiting of the miners and their community, he had several theories:

“It could have been a problem with their praying. I know they say they were praying in that church, but were they praying hard enough? Were enough of them praying? Were they praying correctly? Were there any Atheists present? They do seem like good Christians, going by all the news reports, with them constantly praising and thanking God and Jesus for taking their loved ones from them. It seems that they have not allowed this little mishap, to weaken their faith, but it has actually strengthened it, but I will have to look a little more deeply into this one. Did they change their public school curriculum to include the new sciences of Intelligent Design and Creationism or are they still teaching old fashioned, heathenistic evolution theories that were disproved long ago? This smiting may have had several causes which contributed to it; it’s what’s commonly known as the "combo-smite".”

James Randi, of the James Randi Educational Foundation shares similar similar views as those of Reverand Pat; that the prayers for the miners may not have been properly phrased or that there may not have been enough of them, he writes in his weekly newsletter that when the first report came out on the NBC-TV Today Show:

“that all 13 miners had survived, people were quick to attribute it to God. On that same program, there was an item about a woman who’d won a huge lottery prize. The first words out of her mouth were, “God has answered my prayers!”…God ignored all the prayers for the trapped miners… because do you suppose there weren’t quite enough prayers? God allowed the miners to die because the pleas for mercy directed at Him weren’t properly phrased, while the lottery winner’s prayers were better formulated?”

An acquaintance of the Atheologist, who goes by the name of Crosius, seems to think that Mr. Robertson may be on to something with the prayer issue and Atheists, he notes that:

“There are no miner deaths in countries without Athiests, so Athiesm, diluting the power of prayer is to blame.”

Crosius’ theory is similar to the one that states that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s.

It’s possible that if we all learned to pray correctly, maybe God wouldn’t just answer prayers at a rate that makes it seem like he wasn’t listening or even there.

The Atheologist

Is The New York Transit Strike Part Of The War On Christmas?

2005-12-21T19:12:00.000-05:00

The 2005 New York City transit strike is in its second day. Why did Local 100 of the TWU and the MTA choose to shut down the New York City transit system just 5 days before Christmas? Was it just a coincidence or is there more to it as the Atheologist is hearing? Bill O’Reilly, as usual had something to say about it:

This is way more than a coincidence, it is just a continuation of the war on Christmas. Can't anyone else see that? Am I the only sane, honest and unbiased person on this planet? The secularists are taking over the country and everyone is just letting them do it. Did you see how the Fox news website page was hijacked from right under the nose of the most sane, most honest and most unbiased news organization in the world? If they could do that to us, of course they would easily be able to orchestrate the shutting down of New York City, in order to halt all Christmas celebrations. I said Christmas not holidays, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas! There, I said Christmas at least 5 times and holidays only once, ok twice. I see another boycott coming. Do you hear that New York, you secular, liberal, most un-Christian like, ACLU harboring, most un-American of our large cities. You will be boycotted; I just have to work out the details.

Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson, had this to say:

Of course it's part of the war! I have personally seen our Lord’s list of things to do, and U.S. cities to destroy, in a holy vision I had while I was sleeping. New Orleans was at the top of the list, it had been crossed off already, (God bless Katrina), New York had been second but was bumped to third by that heathen town of Dover Pennsylvania, who replaced their school board, which simply wanted to teach the true sciences of Intelligent Design and Creationism in their public schools. New York will have to wait while the good Lord inflicts some mighty smiting on them. That reminds me of another Pennsylvania town, the town of Apollo, PA which our creator flooded twice, once in 1907 and again in 1936 for having the foolhardiness of naming their town after another god, I guess they never read the first commandment, (you know, about having no other gods before him), our Lord is a jealous god. But getting back to the transit strike, since New Yorkers are unable to finish their Christmas shopping, they can send their spare cash somewhere where it will do the most good - to the 700 Club , and I’ll see to it that our good Lord hears about it and maybe will show some mercy to those who donate generously to our side in this war.

The Atheologist is reminded of a musical question that he often hears, " War! huh-yeah, What is it good for?" and the answer, " Absolutely nothing, Uh-huh", well I guess that's not true for some people.

The Atheologist

Is There A War On Christmas?

2005-12-14T10:54:00.000-05:00

Is there a war on Christmas? The Atheologist has been hearing about it from a variety of news sources and Christian groups. Fox News, Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, John Gibson, not to mention James Dobson, and Jerry Falwell all report Christmas is under assault by the Secularist Humanists, Atheists, homosexuals, liberals and anyone who even acknowledges that there are other holidays that share the month of December with Christmas. Bill O’reilly was recently quoted as saying:

"You can be sure that I will be looking into the workings of Virgin Mobile and their agenda in creating the new holiday of Chrismahanukwanzakah, It was bad enough that they mock the first name of our lords mother by using it in their company name, but this Chrismahanukwanzakah crap is going too far. I believe a boycott may be in the works."

And now the Atheologist has heard of some unusual Christmas displays that seem to support the allegations of this war on our country’s most sacred holiday.
One such display in New York City depicts Santa Claus as a blood spattered slasher holding a knife in one hand and a severed doll’s head with blood gushing from its eyes, while another in Oklahoma City, features old Saint Nick, a reindeer, a sleigh and crime scene tape. Santa is face-down with an arrow in his back. The Atheologist is sorry to report that in neither of these displays was The Blood Count anywhere to be found.
The Raving Atheist website quoted a concerned Christian:

"Christmas is a time to celebrate the birth of a sweet baby, sent to earth to be beaten, whipped, scourged and impaled on a cross with rough spikes splintering the bones of his hands and feet," said Donna Rossi, the mother of two. "Why are they trying to destroy the meaning of the holiday by exposing our kids to brutal executions involving mythical characters?"

Will this war on Christmas escalate to other sacred Christian celebrations or will it end here when those who are waging the war see that they cannot win it because as Bob Dylan once said, “If God's on our side, He'll stop the next war”.

The Atheologist

Was the USA founded on Christian principles?

2005-11-28T19:18:00.000-05:00

We hear the arguments all the time. The USA was founded on Christian principles say some Christians. No it wasn’t say the Atheists and others. Who is correct?
The Atheologist will attempt to answer this question once and for all.

The Atheologist did a Google search and as anticipated the results went something like this, Group A, mainly Christians say, “yes the USA was founded on Christian principles”, while Group B, the Atheists, Deists, Secularists, Humanists, historians, and pretty much everyone else says, "no the USA was not founded on Christian principles”, “was too”, “was not”, “was too”, “was not”, “was too”, “was not”, “was too"….and on and on it went until the Atheologist’s head hurt..

The Atheologist turned to the founder of the Christian Coalition, Pat Robertson, who on page 270 of his book The Turning Tide writes:

"It is certainly true that the precepts of faith are interwoven throughout the founding documents of this nation. The forms of our constitutional government - as implemented by Jefferson, Madison, Franklin, Washington, Adams, and others - were carefully designed to acknowledge the authority of the Scriptures and our dependence upon the Creator."

“Now would I write it if it wasn’t true?”

And he added that Maryland was named after Jesus’ mother.

The Atheologist then turned to someone with an opposing view, Reverend Barry W. Lynn; executive director of American’s United for Separation of Church and State. Barry says that it is a myth that America is a Christian nation. He then proceeded to throw questions at me like; - Where in the Bible are any Democratic principles even mentioned? Why is God or Jesus never mentioned in the US constitution? Why would Thomas Jefferson say, “Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law” or why would Thomas Paine say , “The age of ignorance commenced with the Christian system”. These were two of our great founding fathers. And then we have James Madison who said, “Ecclesiastical establishments tend to great ignorance and corruption, all of which facilitate the execution of mischievous projects” and Benjamin Franklin, "I have found Christian dogma unintelligible. Early in life I absented myself from Christian assemblies." Would two of the main authors of our constitution say things like that if they were using Christian principles as a framework for our country?. - I guess Barry didn’t understand that I was supposed to be asking the questions, not him. I needed answers not more questions.

The Atheologist wasn't getting anywhere so he turned to one of his often used sources; Pastor Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church,

“God sent his followers to claim America as the New Canaan” says Fred, “haven’t you ever read the Bible you hell bound pervert, the Bible and the founding of this once great country are undeniably linked. Read God's book and learn about the great Christian principles that this country was founded on. For example, our forefathers, such as Thomas Jefferson and George Washington owned slaves. The Old and New Testaments permit slavery and have rules about beating and treating slaves. The original U.S. Constitution permitted slavery and so did Jesus. The secular, liberal, God-hating heathens later changed the constitution, and turned against God, to suit their needs. The keeping of women in their proper place, (Ephesians 5:22-24 and 1Timothy 2:11-12), and the wiping out of the red man, (Numbers 33:52-53), were also some of our other original Christian principles that we hardly follow anymore. This country will pay dearly for these transgressions against our Lord. If we don’t go back to our glorious Christian roots and basic Biblical laws such as stoning fags and stubborn children to death, then 9/11 and Katrina will seem like nothing compared with what the good Lord has in store for you devil worshipping dogs. Do you have any more stupid questions you homo fag sodomite?”

No, I did not.

The Atheologist

Are Atheists Boring People?

2005-11-17T19:14:00.000-05:00

While religious people are busy making the big headlines, what are the Atheists of the world up to? When people of faith are always in the news, making the big story of the day by - blowing themselves up, killing their children, flying planes into buildings, having fun with altar boys, starting wars, blowing up people, etc... Atheists it seems are just sitting back and taking it easy. Why is that? The Atheologist posed this question to Catholic League president William Donohue, he responded by saying:

"It is their lack of motivation that is the main problem with these Atheists. I can't speak for the other fake religions but we Catholics have great history and standards to uphold. Who could forget the inquisition or the Crusades or witch burning even, oh the good old days! These Atheists have no guiding force in their lives, no supernatural being that they have to please and win the love of. They are just a bunch of boring slackers without any real purpose in life. Oh, and what happened with the altar boys?"

Well the Atheologist would have to agree with old Bill, after all he has the title, "president", so he must know what he's talking about. So get with the program all of you good for nothing Atheists. The Atheologist can only hope to see headlines someday that read, "Atheists Fight Agnostics In The Streets" or "Atheists Terrorize The Blood Count As He's Napping Before Dark"

The Atheologist

The Atheologist's Definitions of Some Important Words

2005-11-14T14:17:00.000-05:00

Theism - the belief in a god or gods
Atheism - the absence of the belief in a god or gods
Agnosticism - the belief that one cannot ever know positively whether or not supernatural phenomena, especially gods, exist
Deism - belief in a God who created the world but has since remained indifferent to it
Apostate - one who renounces and criticizes or opposes their former religion
Dogma - a system of principles or tenets, as of a church
Bible - the sacred book of Christianity, (the Atheologist uses the King James version for all his quotes and research)
Koran or Qur'an - the sacred text of Islam
Faith - belief that is not based on proof
Secular - not relating to religion or to a religious body
God - the supernatural being conceived as the perfect and omnipotent and omniscient originator and ruler of the universe; the object of worship in monotheistic religions
Heathen - one who does not acknowledge your God; ie, we are all heathens
Infidel - one who doubts or rejects a particular doctrine, system, or principle: ie, we are all infidels
Liberal - someone who looks ahead and not behind, someone who welcomes new ideas without rigid reactions, someone who cares about the welfare of the people - their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, and their civil liberties - someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad; if that is what they mean by a "Liberal," then I'm proud to say I'm a "Liberal." - John F. Kennedy
Blood Count - Dracula
Terrorist - someone who engages in acts or an act of terrorism
Christian Terrorist- someone who terrorizes Christians*
Muslim Terrorist - a dedicated follower of Islam, who terrorizes others, (very often Christians)*
Muslipede - the sudden headlong rush of Muslims, often causing high numbers of injuries and deaths

*So we can see from these definitions that a Christian terrorist does not necessarily have to be a Muslim, but a Muslim terrorist is always one.